• Transcend all bullshit, especially your own. And while floating up there you can also transcend the social ladder: Choose to levitate.
• Getting massages for 30 years you come to notice an additional lesser-known benefit: It tends to keep you somewhat physically fit. Because getting naked around strangers inspires one to look at least presentable.
For nudists, this probably goes without saying. It follows that if getting fit is what you seek then simply become a nudist.
• If
you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, they were
never yours. If they do, set them on fire and see what happens.
• Do you know that October is National Sarcastic Awareness Month?
Now isn’t that a phenomenally useful bit of info.
On as less sarcastic note, sarcasm is a gift to and from humanity. It’s fun, witty, and it sparks creative thinking in oneself and others — despite remaining a foreign language to some. This communicating tool tends to improve social bonding. As an ironic speech act, sarcasm requires abstract thinking, likewise making it a catalyst for innovation and is therefore healthy for the mind.
With that, if I comment on your social media posts, I probably like you; if I comment with sarcasm, I most certainly do. If then you, too, reply back with sarcasm, let us maybe date.
Another less-celebrated benefit of sarcasm is that it can also makes you appear more tolerant... to the slow ones who miss it. Bwahaha ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
• Man,
there is nothing like waking up still pixilated after one of those wild
nights that leave you looking like a Picasso the next day to find
yourself sleeping next to a nameless woman — without having any idea how
she got there, what happened, or why there is a man in full Ancient
Roman military attire only with a unicorn hat stabbed in the neck with a
wine opener. Could that be a sign to stop partying so wackily?, asking
for a friend.
• The
few rare times I met someone who said they were a “chemist” the
psychonaut in me instantly wanted to befriend them before possibly turning them on.
As for that one anaesthesiologist schoolmate, I publicly asked him in the WhatsApp group if he could secure me some carfentanil* — an elephant tranquilliser that is 100 times more potent than deadly fentanyl and, wait for it, 10,000 times more potent than morphine. Dude! Why this exists? Veterinary medicine and
super-large animals apparently. But of course humans will keep finding elaborate ways to kill themselves.
I
wonder how surprised the guy was of my knowledge of such rare and obscure substance, knowing it was some years back before even
fentanyl becoming this threatening global phenomenon.
*On a way more serious note,
Opiated Then Hatin’ It and
Addiction Talk: My Correspondence With a 31-Year-Old Reader Before He Passed Away delve deeper into the topic.
• You know the relationship is not going anywhere worth going whenever you would sometimes catch yourself shooting videos when together — usually in nature — while making sure not to include them in the frame. Thereby you don’t have to worry one day about editing or not being able to use certain parts. If or more likely when you happen to use the footage, your future self will not stop thanking you for having been such a nimble, astute, and thoughtful visionary. O’ to the unbearable beauty of true romance. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
• While at a Café a couple of guys sitting nearby seemed very much engaged into whatever they were talking about. The more cheerful one asked the other about the reason why he looks rather sad. The one who looked down and out leaned over towards his friend sitting on the opposite side of the table to reply:
“Man, I was watching a porno movie in the bedroom when my girlfriend opened the door. It was even one of the extremes types; yeah don’t judge me.”
“Well, it happens. I did it with mine sleeping next to me in the same bed. We’re men with hormones. And most women are well aware of the fact.”
Listening to this, I couldn’t help but remember when the ex of an incognito friend woke up to find him watching porn next to her in bed. She was slightly offended — that he didn’t wake her up instead — but it did pass. She even went back to sleep minutes after, which in retrospect seems like a telling indicator about the state of the relationship around that time. So yes I do concur that it does happen between couples. On the other hand there are those fun ones who enjoy watching together.
Another flashback from earlier years is when the incognito friend was once awoken by a kick in the thigh. But why? A different lover had dreamt of him cheating on her. Uhu, a legit reason for such disturbing wake-up call — of course.
Back to the Café to resume eavesdropping on the private conversation: Exhaling a visibly sad elongated sigh, the down man then leaned even more towards his buddy and said: “The door in the freakin’ movie.” 🙃
• I’d love to have children one day. Two days max.
A legit reason to have a baby boy is to dress him in your favourite team’s jersey then go around telling people how much you’re proud of him because he just happens to cheer for the same team. We could call him Aaaron Llloyd and get him a pet lllama.
A fellow psychonaut knew that the brain releases so much dopamine during an orgasm, a brain scan then resembles that of someone on heroin. So he would often have sex on heroin to double the bliss. Okay.
Then one day he came to find out that cheese contains an actual narcotic chemical, casein, which likewise triggers dopamine production in the brain and its opioid receptors. It thereby affects the reward system and induces cravings, similar to drugs like heroin and
morphine. This can make cheese among other dairies [mildly] addictive. Personally, enjoying cheese and eggs was in fact the only reason I never ventured to go fully vegan.
Back to the anecdote, even though you probably know where it’s going — or maybe not — so I’ll carry on anyway. Inspired by the newly acquired knowledge, and in an effort to get triple-high, our oddball had the usual sex on heroin, then right before climaxing he took out a full block of Red Cheddar from under the pillow and bit right into it with his entire face. To the utter befuddlement of the woman and amid a wild variety of grunts, squeals, barks he reportedly had a 12-minute pig-like orgasm. It has been said over the grapevine that the commotion was so phenomenally loud that night, even the neighbours had to share a smoke afterwards before taking a shower. Absolutely true story, man, certainly no April Fools’.* Oink!
Strangely, or not really, “cheese” is a relatively new type of heroin that made an appearance about 20 years ago; it is a mix of [Mexican] black tar heroin and over-the-counter tablets containing diphenhydramine HCl, commonly Tylenol PM, and usually acetaminophen as well. Cheese is apparently prevalent in middle and high schools in the U.S, perhaps for obvious reasons. And like it’s less adulterated older sister, it has caused many deaths over the years. Oh well. Whoever came up with the name must have known about the aforementioned addictive properties of dairy products.
As for the guy, fortunately for him he eventually quit chasing opiates and did become vegan for a while. But then the cravings for cheese, the actual cheese, were too much to bear and he did go back to it. Can we blame him?
*Disclaimer: Do NOT try this at home… or anywhere else. For the deviant protagonist here could very well be a figment of my imagination [you never know with kids these days and all their mindless challenges].
**The below imagine is nacho cheesy.
OLS Reflections Quatre-Vingt-Trois — The Audaciously Unfun Ones
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