OLS Reflections 81 — The Flamboyantly Unfun Ones

When the OLS Reflections series was first incepted in 2014 I had absolutely no idea that it will carry on for ten years and counting. As mentioned in the very first list-article, “I will try to arrange them by topic, but probably they will be grouped according to how serious/less serious they are”. Eventually by the third article, OLS Reflections Tre — The Mildly Unfun Ones, the humorous Unfun sub-category came to being. Today there are over 20 out of the total 80 here on One Lucky Soul, amounting to 200 ha-has to lighten up your existence along with 600 more serious reflections.
 

Another idea proposed in the first article is that I might add the topics in the label à la Goodreads. While this proved to be somewhat impractical, more than 130 of the OLS Reflections actually made it to Goodreads as quotes. One day they shall all be compiled into a book or two. Onward Forward. 

Now let us see what’s in store this time.


• Whenever seeing a grown-ass adult drinking milk with their dinner — or lunch — I’m always tempted to burp out loud. By ‘see’ I mean in a movie or something, because I don’t know any serial killers.



• Talking to yourself is perfectly normal. Answering back is a different story.



• “Are you more into Dostoevsky or Bukawski?”, he smugly asked — trying to show off his literary knowledge.

“Uhm, well I snowboarded once. But I’m more of a rollerblades person myself” was the reply.



• Somewhere out there is a rat feeling stuck in a routine, pointlessly competitive, self-defeating work-life existence and is blaming it all on the “Human Race”.



• Whenever someone throws a tantrum I usually duck. Other times I goose. Not to crow, but I never quail or chicken out from such fowl play.



• Regular massages tend to keep you fit. I don’t know about you, but if am going to get naked around someone, I want to be looking at least presentable... if not somewhat hot. 



• “Iran in the morning, then Iraq in the afternoon.”
— Persistently, Americans who don’t say (Eye-)taly



• Next time you hear someone confidently ascertain “Everything happens for a reason” just slap their face. When they ask why you have done so, act bewildered and confess that you have no idea. “Must be part of The Plan. You should know though. Aren’t mindless, irritating, thought-terminating platitudes your special department?” could then follow. 



• I want to make viral social media videos so I’m buying a car. Where else can one record themselves talking to a screen?

*Remember this trend? Yeah, it was everywhere two/three years ago, which explains how the above — among others — was recently salvaged from the 2740 pages long (898,164 words) Reflection file on Pages simply by going up. But those peeps still exist, so I still have to get that car.



• Whoever is freaking out about Artificial Intelligence has not fully considered the inconceivably impregnable power of Natural Stupidity.

Un reflet من غير ليه

ALSO VIEW:

OLS Reflections Setenta e Cinco — The Dazzlingly Unfun Ones
 

OLS Reflections Settantatre — The Flagrantly Unfun Ones

 

OLS Reflections 71 — The Frightfully Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Sixty-Six — The Outrageously Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections 64 — The Dangerously Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Sessantadue — The Scandalously Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections 60 — The Sensationally Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections 五十八 — The Shamelessly Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Fifty-Six — The Notoriously Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Dreiundfünfzig — The Playfully Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Cinquante-et-Un — The Corruptly Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections 36 — الطبعة العربية المرحة

OLS Reflections Treinta y Seis — The Wickedly Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections — Facebook Edition

OLS Reflections — Facebook Edition Deux

OLS Reflections ثمانية وعشرون — The Tranquilisingly Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections पच्चीस — The Soothingly Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Venti — The Quiescently Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Siebzehn — The Peacefully Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Quatorze — The Mitigatingly Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Девять — The Pacifyingly Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Seis — The Mollifyingly Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Tre — The Mildly Unfun Ones

 

OLS Reflections Setenta e Cinco — The Dazzlingly Unfun Ones

• Monogamy, monotony, monophagy, monocracy, monopoly, monogyny, monody, monotone, monorail, monotonous, monologue, monotheism, monocrystal, monochrome, monozygotic, mononucleosis, monotherapy, monoamine oxidase inhibitor… .
  
  Uhm, I forgot where this list was going. Though it sounds uncolourful, unappealing, even lonesome.
  
  Oh yes, it came back: Marriage, you see, is called an ‘institution’ because you must be somewhat mental to get into it. You first seek asylum but then end up living in one.
  
  You don’t see it? Well, consider how in Spanish, ‘esposas’ means wives as well as handcuffs. Uhu. Also in Danish, Swedish, and Norwegian, ‘married’ and ‘poison’ share the same word, ‘Gift’! Quite ironic for English-speakers.
  
  But hey rest assured, these are absolutely nothing but linguistic coincidences. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
   

• Did they ever unfriend you when they got married then shamelessly re-friended you — or attempted to — when they got divorced?
  
  

• How weird is it to let her sleep in a separate room after sex — from 1 to 10?
  
  

• There should be a word for that intense inexplicable joy when you come across a certain surface with so must dust on it and you know you’re about to be the first one to wipe it in possibly 50 years. 
  
  

• This past year has seen so many deaths, that whenever now someone tells me “Sorry for your loss” — among other messages of condolences — I reply with: “Ah, thank you. We’re all gonna die.” You know, just a dose of reality to make it easier on both of us.
  
  

• He followed his dreams but they wouldn’t follow him back. So he unfollowed them.
  
  

• During his seizure of power Caesar had a seizure. See, ‘Tsar’ originates from Caesar while Caesar salad does not.
  
  

• I don’t bite — unless we’ll both enjoy it.
  
  

• His vocabulary is so expansively extensive and extensively expensive, words often dance on the tip of his tongue — creating novel linguistic hybrids in the process. Other times they’re mixed up missed steaks.
  
  

• Several severely savvy suave saviours saved Varsity’s vision by serving savoury visors as souvenirs.

ALSO VIEW:

 

OLS Reflections Settantatre — The Flagrantly Fun Ones

 

OLS Reflections 71 — The Frightfully Fun Ones

OLS Reflections Sixty-Six — The Outrageously Fun Ones

OLS Reflections 64 — The Dangerously Fun Ones

OLS Reflections Sessantadue — The Scandalously Fun Ones

OLS Reflections 60 — The Sensationally Fun Ones

OLS Reflections 五十八 — The Shamelessly Fun Ones

OLS Reflections Fifty-Six — The Notoriously Fun Ones

OLS Reflections Dreiundfünfzig — The Playfully Fun Ones

OLS Reflections Cinquante-et-Un — The Corruptly Fun Ones

OLS Reflections 36 — الطبعة العربية المرحة

OLS Reflections Treinta y Seis — The Wickedly Fun Ones

OLS Reflections — Facebook Edition

OLS Reflections — Facebook Edition Deux

OLS Reflections ثمانية وعشرون — The Tranquilisingly Fun Ones

OLS Reflections पच्चीस — The Soothingly Fun Ones

OLS Reflections Venti — The Quiescently Fun Ones

OLS Reflections Siebzehn — The Peacefully Fun Ones

OLS Reflections Quatorze — The Mitigatingly Fun Ones

OLS Reflections Девять — The Pacifyingly Fun Ones

OLS Reflections Seis — The Mollifyingly Fun Ones

OLS Reflections Tre — The Mildly Fun Ones

OLS Reflections Settantatre — The Flagrantly Unfun Ones

• Right between Seventh Heaven and Cloud Nine there is a Magic Eight-Ball. 
  
  
  
  
• As a kid I once fell into a well. The experience remained quite traumatic until I learned to let go of the hole thing. O’ well.  
  
  
  
  
• There is something about drinking water in a coffee mug and coffee in a “water glass” that makes it unappealing. 
  
  
  
  
• I never just flirt with disaster. We cum together and then we snuggle.
  
  
  
  
• Discarding the large garbage bag in the kitchen and forgetting to replace it with a new one then while making eggs later you throw away the drippy shells straight into the garbage and Noooo! It’s remarkable how only when it’s airborne do you remember there is no plastic bag. Obviously not before, but usually not much after either. The action and the thought are occurring almost at the same time. Eugh! Off to washing the insides. Top Five most annoying kitchen happenings — Fo Sho.  
  
  
  
  
• You’re not a real man until you can change attire in less than five minutes. 
   
  
  
  
• Throughout 10 years of cooking I don’t think I’ve ever used just one clove of garlic — even when the recipe says so.
  
  
  
  
• I’ve always been a walking paradox… until I learned to sit down.
  
  
  
  
• Marriage is called an ‘institution’ because you must be somewhat mental to get into it. You first seek asylum but then end up living in one. You don’t see it? Well, consider how in Spanish, ‘esposas’ means wives as well as handcuffs. Uhu. Also in Danish, Swedish, and Norwegian, ‘married’ and ‘poison’ share the same word: ‘Gift’! Quite ironic for English-speakers, huh. But hey, rest assured, these are absolutely nothing but linguistic coincidences.
  
  Marriage jokes aside, if I’ll ever decide to get into a romantic relationship again, I have three matters to investigate first: Do you agree with “Correlation does not imply causation” and what does it mean to you? The second would be finding out if she’s one of those travellers who clap right after a plane lands, thinking that the pilot can hear them. A final stop would be taking them to a trip somewhere where the Internet is ridiculously slow — just to get to know who they truly are at the core. Then we see... and only then.
  
  
  
  
• When you only have sex in the missionary position it shows on your face. 
  

 

ALSO VIEW:

 

OLS Reflections Setenta e Cinco — The Dazzlingly Unfun Ones

 

OLS Reflections 71 — The Frightfully Unfun Ones

 

OLS Reflections Sixty-Six — The Outrageously Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections 64 — The Dangerously Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Sessantadue — The Scandalously Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections 60 — The Sensationally Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections 五十八 — The Shamelessly Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Fifty-Six — The Notoriously Unfun Ones

 

OLS Reflections Dreiundfünfzig — The Playfully Unfun Ones

 

OLS Reflections Cinquante-et-Un — The Corruptly Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections 36 — الطبعة العربية المرحة 

OLS Reflections Treinta y Seis — The Wickedly Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections — Facebook Edition

OLS Reflections — Facebook Edition Deux

OLS Reflections ثمانية وعشرون — The Tranquilisingly Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections पच्चीस — The Soothingly Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Venti — The Quiescently Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Siebzehn — The Peacefully Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Quatorze — The Mitigatingly Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Dodici — The Appeasingly Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Девять — The Pacifyingly Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Seis — The Mollifyingly Unfun Ones

OLS Reflections Tre — The Mildly Unfun Ones

Wicked Pranks I Played

Let us start the New Year with some jollity, shall we.

Since being a kid I loved to joke and mess with people’s minds. Usually the victims were either family members, close friends, or girlfriends. In later years, readers and strangers were included in the games. I can confidently say that sometimes I cannot control it, simply because it’s a lot of fun to plan and then execute such silly elaborate stuff.

The following are some of the pranks from over the years in chronological order. 




1. The “Missing” Poster
 

  
My nephew Hisham must have been about 14 while myself 15 when we had our photos captured during dinner one night at our Cairo Sheraton home. Few years ahead when we all forgot about it, I somehow came across it around the house and decided to have a little fun. I photocopied it, making about 50 copies and left them in the car. He lived in the same street, so every few days I would park the car away from his building, grab a copy of this “Missing Poster”, and leave it under his wiper blade. Every time it had a new handwritten message: “عود الي ماما”, “go back to mother”. “خرج ولم يعد”, “went out and never came back”. Whatever goofiness there was, really. 

Few months passed yet he never, EVER, told me anything. Eventually I got smashed one night and confessed. He still never shared any details, but you could tell from his eyes that it was one legit prank. Punk’d by the then-19-year-old class-clown uncle. Quite the dedication, huh. I tend to be serious when it comes to joking and I think his mother did eventually comment in amusement.



2. Tova


Towards the end of a long-term relationship during the teenage years I began seeing a couple of other girls, both of whom wore the same perfume that I was in love with. The girlfriend was suspecting and in a way I wasn’t trying to really hide it — perhaps to make her jealous, or to see for myself that she cared, or to get back at her. Typical teenage insecurities and stupidities. 

As such, one day I took an orange bandana of mine and passed by an older cousin who also happened to have the same perfume. I sprayed a couple of times on it then went to meet my girlfriend. At the end of our outing right before saying bye I put on a cheeky look, got the bandana out from my pocket, and waived it in front of her face, enough to pick up the familiar scent. The girl went mad and began fighting. Who gave you this?! Is it X?



I didn’t say much while keeping a mischievous smile before we parted ways. Only later that night on the phone did I confess my silly joke. Of course, it took a whole lot to convince her, because who does that for fun, huh? 

Well, someone’s got to.


 Eventually the girlfriend got the same perfume and the three of them wore it, making meeting them way easier [bwahaha]... at least while it lasted.  



3. The White Rabbit’s Clock


A couple of years later on the last day of our summer in UCLA we had a mean party at the dorms. Three or four of us happened to be on LSD while the rest were drinking and smoking. At some point during the party one tripper, who was a friend of a cousin and whom I had just met him, asked me about the time. I remember sensing that he was confused and decided to play a little. I think I tried to playfully convince him that 1:35 am on the watch was really 7:05 am — by switching the hour hand with the seconds one. Ha. I then went to the few people he knew at the party and told them that if the guy asked about the time, they should tell him it’s 7:05 am.



We carried on with the party and the hysterical laughter before realising that the guy freaked out and left the place; because apparently he had work the next day. I never saw him again, but my cousin later told me that the he ended up at his house by 2:00 am or so, still believing it was morning time already. 



I certainly never meant to mess with the guy that much and I didn’t think he would, or could, buy the whole thing. But that was only my second trip and I didn’t know better. I’m glad he was fine. 



Another LSD-related farce I came up with can be found here: Placebo Effect & The LSD Prank.



4. My Other Girlfriend, The Dealer


In my late 20s I was dating a younger girl who had her doubts that I did drugs. So one day as she was at my place I took my phone and began sending a message. 

“Hey man, my gf is here but you can pass by the stuff at home. 10 Es, 2 grams of coke, and some Rohypnol. Hurry.”

Still holding my phone, I asked her if she needed to drink anything and went down to the kitchen. 
Then I sent her the message. A few minutes later, I went up to see. She was holding her own phone while looking unhappy, yet seemed like she was trying to remain calm Mentioning that I just sent her a message, I confidently said I didn’t. She confirmed that I did by reading part of it. I then pretended to look bewildered and reached for my phone on the bed as if to check.

A couple of seconds through, my facial expressions changed to a mixture of shock and embarrassment — because I just realised that I sent her the message by mistake. The girl was getting all nervous by then and was overwhelmed by the ‘evidence’ which fell into her hands by mere fortune. 



15 or 20 minutes were enough before I confess the prank. Once again here, she also didn’t believe at start. So I played even more, pretending that I’m pretending it’s a joke to cover my busted ass and to hint that I had really sent her that message by mistake, causing more confusion to the poor chick.

Eventually I came fully clean and she was convinced. 






5. [Insert-Your-Name-Here] Fools’ Day


Last year during a visit to Egypt I wrote the following on my Facebook wall for all family, friends, fans, and followers to see:



“Alright folks. It’s time to move once again, for Life is a never-ending journey. This next week I’ll be embarking on a one-year adventure through The Himalayan Mountain Range, during which I’ll be residing in several monasteries as well as in some ancient caves. I will not have access to Internet or any other “new-world” material. A carefully picked selection of books and my drums will be all I need. 

As for One Lucky Soul — the blog and the Facebook page — I have no other option but to put it on pause. Hopefully when I’m back, if I will, it will resume. 

I’ll miss you all and you’ll always remain in my heart. See you on the other side. 

Love One Another.”

The comments on the status began to appear a few minutes after posting and didn’t stop for the whole day. My own parents were baffled and my mother had to call name on the phone to inquire, but she was trying to do it in a subtle way. I hadn’t seen her in a year and a half before that time so I  decided to exclude her from the prank and told her that I’m just playin’ everyone. 



Six or seven hours later, I followed the status with:



“Happy Omar Fools’ Day, everyone. The story behind this last status goes way back to when I was 12 years old. Being a prankster since I was even younger, I loved April Fools’. I would go to my grandma and convince her that I’m changing schools, or whatever spoof I would come up with. 

But then, being a day when everyone was expecting to be fooled, it lost its meaning. No one would really buy anything outrageous you tell them on the 1st of April, so I stopped taking part in the game at this young age. Yet, I always wanted to find a way around it because I still love pranks and jokes and fun and laughter. And it only came to me some years ago. 



The idea is to randomly choose any other day of the year — doesn’t have to be the first of the month — and you try to come up with the most elaborate, imaginative prank you could think of. It could be anything you would consider a prank which you should try to hold for the whole day; well, half a day would do. Each year you pick a different day so that no one would suspect. 



The thing I noticed about my choice here is that I probably needed something way more bizarre and outrageous. All of you believed my words because it is something I would totally do. Actually, it’s on me bucket list. Instead, I should have said something like I’m getting married or so. No seriously, maybe I’ve been in contact with extraterrestrial life, or I’m becoming a satanist pimp, or I contracted a rare eye virus which makes me capable of seeing through your clothes or the world in kaleidoscope, or something. I do, however, promise to be more creative next year. Then again, the whole point is that many people buy it, just like you did.  



Now your unsurprised, encouraging comments make me contemplate heading to the caves and monasteries much sooner.  



Anyways, after many years of not being a player and a few years of planing, I hereby declare the death of April Fools’ Day and the birth of [Insert-Your-Name-Here] Fools’ Day. You’re welcome.” 



This year, I remembered Omar’s Fools Day and on a random morning I changed my relationship status on Facebook to ‘Married’ with that red heart and all and wrote: Finally!



But the anticipation and the complexity of the topic made me freak out and only three hours later I shared the truth. It was still enough time to receive some curious private messages from female friends and lovers.

Interestingly, I forgot to change the relationship status. Even though I made sure to choose not to show it on my page, I still remained ‘married’ for maybe 10 days afterwards until a friend told me. Yikes.



6. Con-tained


I go to this local dispensary about once a week where all who work are girls in their 20s. Needless to say, I enjoy these visits and know most of them as they know me by name. But there is one sweet girl whom I kind of fancy. A while ago I gave her the blog’s name to check it out and that was that.

Maybe about a couple of months back, she went inside to do something so I asked another one about her name; of course I had to ask the name of the one I’m asking as well, pretending that it’s about time I know everyone’s name. Yes, girls, especially younger ones, are sensitive like that; and if you can find a way to avoid it then why not. She told me the girl’s name was Bianca — I forgot hers because our memory needs space.

Bianca went on holidays and nothing happened for a while until one morning. After our usual friendly chitchat, I took off my shades, looking straight at those stunning green eyes and said:

“Do you know that I have a remarkable ability to look at people and guess their names.

Huh. How do you do that?” She curiously asked

“I don’t know but I’ve been doing it since I was kid. And it works 80% of the times.”

Looking interested, the other girls overheard and came a little closer.

I then pretended to deeply reflect: “It’s a foreign name which means something.

Well, yes,” she smilingly responded.

‘Reflecting’ again, I hesitated for a second before saying: “It ends with ‘a’. Right?”

Smiling even more, “YES.”

So I smiled, showing that I’m getting more confident in my abilities.

More reflections with eyes closed along with some counting, “There are five letters before the ‘a’”.

She started counting on her own fingers then gave me a fascinated look and almost shouted one more “YES!”

Another 15 seconds, I said: “Bianca?!”

OMG…  that’s it.

Is it?! I still got it, huh. Are you of Italian origin?” I asked her.

“No, a Columbian/Dutch mix.”

What a captivating combination.

Well I guess I’ll see you later, Bianca. Bye, girls.”

I turned around in full amusement and under their bewildered watchful eyes I left the place like a Gnostic Wizard.





Sweet Bianca went back to Florida right before last Christmas without ever knowing that the wizard is also a prankster. 


There is also Placebo Effect & The LSD Prank, which started as humorous fun then ended it on a more serious note. Mainly due to having an entire sub-chapter in my book about Psychedelics and another about Placebo. Add to the mix some personal real-life storytelling and the piece writes itself.


ALSO VIEW: 

Some of my First Times

The Benefits of Laughter — With Some Witty Jokes to Prove it

The Benefits of Laughter Two, Too, To — With More Witty Jokes to Prove it

Things I Never Told Anyone

More Things I Never (Really) Told Anyone

Even More Things I Never (Really) Told Anyone

The Night I Became a Stripper in Spain 

 

Not Sleeping With a French Hooker at 14

 
Funny Drug-Related Stories

Funny Drug-Related Stories 2

Funny Hotel-Related Stories

  

OLS Reflections — الطبعة العربية المرحة

The Benefits of Laughter Two, Too, To — With More Witty Jokes to Prove it

Taking life, or oneself, too seriously is missing the point(s) 
— that is if one or more exist.

After The Benefits of Laughter — With Some Witty Jokes to Prove it, here are more jokes to prove it even more. 



1- The Nun Fantasy


A cabbie picks up a Nun. After getting into the car she notices that the handsome driver wouldn’t stop staring at her. So she asks him why he is staring.

“I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you,” he replies.

Reassuring him, she carries on, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me,” confesses the man.

“Alright, let’s see what we can do about that. One, you have to be single. And two, you must be Catholic,” she responds.

The cab driver got utterly excited and almost shouted, “Yes, I am single AND Catholic!

“OK,” she says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, he starts crying.

“My dear child, why are you crying?” she asks.

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married AND I’m Jewish.”

The Nun calmly replies, “Oh that’s OK, Luv. My name is Steve and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”



2- Confession Wisdom


A married Irishman went into the confessional and told his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”

“What do you mean, almost?” replied the priest.

The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

So the priest told him, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.”

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and was about to leave.

The priest, who was watching from afar, quickly ran over to him, saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The Irishman replied, “Yeah. But I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.”



3- The Golf Cart Memory


Once during his married days, John accidentally overturned his golf cart.

Elizabeth, a highly attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out “Are you okay, what’s your name?”

“It’s John and I’m okay thanks,” he replied.

“John, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” he answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted.

She was stunning, sexy, and persuasive while he was weak. “Well alright,” he finally agreed and once again added, “but my wife won’t like it.”

After a few restorative Scotch on ice, he thanked Elizabeth: “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile. “She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"

“Probably still under the cart”.



4- Oooops


A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair, then sliding a little more, until he was almost under the table. The baffling thing is, the woman with him stared straight ahead and didn’t seem to notice.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and completely out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman was staring straight ahead.

Thinking this behaviour is a tad indecent and might offend other diners, the waitress went over to the table and, tactfully, said to the woman: “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, “No, he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”



5- Cuckoo Clock Gone Mad

A wife was invited out for a night with “the girls”. She told her husband that she would be home by midnight. “I promise!”

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit smashed, the woman headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another nine times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, even after drinking so much.

The next morning the husband asked what time she got in, and she told him midnight. He didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew! I got away with that one, she thought.

Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

When she asked why, he replied, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh, crap,” cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, and then cuckooed twice more before tripping over the cat.”


ALSO VIEW:

The Benefits of Laughter — With Some Witty Jokes to Prove it

Wicked Pranks I Played

Funny Hotel-Related Stories 

Funny Drug-Related Stories

Funny Drug-Related Stories 2

Words I Made Up

Words I Made Up — The Sequel

Words With No Direct Translation To English  

Why Many Place Names End with ‘-Stan’

Placebo Effect & The LSD Prank 

The Benefits of Laughter — With Some Witty Jokes to Prove it

Taking life, or oneself, too seriously is missing the point(s) 
— that is if one or more exist.

Do you know that whenever feeling down when you start thinking that things are not coming your way, you can trick your brain and lie to your thoughts, pretending in your head that they are coming your way? You can smile at yourself in the mirror, meditate, listen to a piece of music, or take a walk in the park to change that mindset. Once the thoughts change, our perspective, things — “our reality” — also tends change.
 


One of the terms used in psychology and sociology to explain that often-misunderstood occurrence is the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. Coined in 1948 by Robert Merton, SFP is a belief that becomes true because people act as though it is true; “a false definition of the situation evoking a new behaviour which makes the originally false conception come true.”

In simpler words, it’s adopting the fake-it-till-you-make-it attitude. Why do this? Because it works.

Now for instance, I believe, even if subtly down deep inside, that this new romantic relationship I'm in will fail; this belief has the subtle yet persistent ability to alter how I would normally handle a new relationship, ending with its actual failure. So the prediction about the outcome here invokes a novel behaviour from my part, which leads to the prediction becoming true. This often occurs on the subconscious level beyond conscious awareness. 

The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy works equally for both negative and positive predictions, showing that the beliefs we hold in our conceptual minds have a significant impact on what happens to us and shapes our reality. It also works in a variety of fields; whether it’s related to our confidence and self-esteem, our relationships, setting goals in our lives, or simply in controlling our everyday temper. 

You may first feel that this is fake or artificial, but with some practice, one learns how to hack that brain with such a simple trick. You inform the brain that things are rather fine until you start seeing that at least they are not as bad as you had first perceived them. Again, why bother doing that? Because most of our sorrows and anxieties are self-induced. The egoic mind is so compelling and imaginative, it creates problems that never exist and start dealing with them as actual reality. It does so to keep itself engaged while solving the imaginary creations and to feel important.

Once you see through your own bullshit you’ll be accustomed to the process. Whenever thoughts or emotions you may have labelled “negative” arrive, just observe them, welcome them even. Without clinging they will dissipate. With time, the power to snap out of whatever and to ground yourself will come naturally to you, without much thinking. Whatever happens in the outside world has no control over you. 

Another common phenomenon which shows that our minds do have powers is The Placebo Effect. As I have previously discussed before, this is another phenomenon showing that expectations alone can be strong enough to overcome serious diseases. It may sound like magic sometimes, just because in a way it is Magick. More about the captivating topic can be found in Placebo Effect & The LSD Prank.


As said, there are many ways in which we can snap out of whatever drab mood we’re in and switch to a merrier, more peaceful one. But perhaps the way that never fails to alleviate those negative thoughts and emotions is humour.

The wily Indians, for ones, knew all along that happiness and laughter are healthy, that’s why they came up with World Laughter Day and Laughter Yoga (Hasyayoga). In Ancient Rome, humour in the form of jokes and satire was likewise celebrated and was thought of as weapons against totalitarian regimes.

To dive a tad deeper beyond all the magic talk, scientifically speaking, laughter stimulates the release of endorphins and dopamine in the brain. This produces “endorphin-mediated opiate effect,” which gives us a sense of satisfaction and reward. In turn, these beneficial neurochemical changes boost the immune system, prompting it to function better.

Other health benefits of laughter include improving the function of blood vessels and increasing the blood flow, hence preventing heart attacks; stimulating and activating the brain, relaxing the muscles, and relieving stress. Laughter also keeps us emotionally healthy and easier to approach.  

This explains why smiling at yourself in the mirror has a subconscious ability to get you to feel happier, which naturally also keeps you mentally and physically healthier. 

Neuroplasticity and Epigenetics are other, more scientific, terms which pretty much describes the same phenomenon of mind over matter. Through these relatively new fields of studies, we now know that everything is continuously shaped by our experiences. We know that we are in control of our cells and genes, therefore of our reality. We know we have that power. Note that this is not philosophy, but it’s science.  

 
Another remarkable feat about happiness is that it is contagious. So not only do you benefit yourself when you’re happy, but you sprinkle some of that happiness on those around you as well ― whether you are conscious of this transference of energy or not. 

Happiness is an internal process which does not rely on outside factors; it’s a habit to cultivate and it stems from within.
  
Laughter is one of the healing symptoms of happiness. And it is, in fact, the best of medicine. Without it we would all go insane, as Robert Frost elegantly expressed.

All that said, what better way to end this articlette than to share the following witty, PG-13 jokes straight from the One Lucky Soul archives. Stay tuned for more fun soon.


1- Hilarity At The Pearly Gates


It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, “Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.” 

“No Problem,” the man said. “I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die. In a rage, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.”

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, “OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. “Hi there. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.”

The guy sighs and says: “No problem. But you’re not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.

Then this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn’t die right away. As I’m lying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.”

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. “I could get used to this new policy,” he thinks to himself. “Very well,” the Angel announces. “Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and he lets him enter.

A few seconds later, a third guy comes up to the gate. Finally he says, “And what was YOUR day like?”

The guy says, “OK, picture this. So I’m naked inside a refrigerator…”



2- The Nurse Who Couldn’t Hold it


The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

“In front of you?” He shyly asks. 

The nurse says: “Well no, but I’ve seen the naked human body before.”

The man said, “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my naked body.”

“Of course I won’t laugh,” replies the nurse, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then,” he said, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a gigantic round male body with the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life; in length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she laughed at the man’s private part, so she laughed even more. Feeling embarrassed, she tried to compose herself as well as she could.

“I am so sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen.”

She ran out of the room.



3- Sex After Death?


A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

“Marion…Marion.”

“Is that you, Bob?”

“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”

“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch — you’d be proud, lots of greens. Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to the golf course again. Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

“Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?”

“No, I’m a rabbit somewhere in North Carolina.”



4- The Wise Cabby

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. He suspected his wife is having an affair and wanted to catch her in the act. So while en route home that night, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. For $100, the cabby agrees. 


Quietly arriving home, the two men tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head.

The wife shouts, “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money:

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your football season tickets.

HE paid for our house on the lake.

HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. Then he looks to the cabby and asks, “What would you do?”

The cabby replies, “Me? I’d cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.” 


5- The Mailman and the Blonde

It was George the Mailman’s last day. As he did his final rounds, he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by a elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next house, the entire family gave him a set of fishing lures, and at the third house he received a box of fine cigars.

But at the next house, he was greeted by a sexy blonde wearing a skimpy négligée. Without a word, she signalled him to come inside. She gently took him upstairs and proceeded to make mad passionate love to him. George certainly didn’t mind.

She then led him downstairs where she made him a huge breakfast of toast, sausage, eggs, and hashbrowns. George was utterly satisfied. As he leaned forward to get his second cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup.

Curious, he asks the blonde, “This is all wonderful and I appreciate everything, but…what’s the dollar for?”

“Oh,” says the blonde, “I asked my husband last night what we should give you for your retirement. He said, ‘Screw him! Give him a dollar!’”

She beamed at him, “The breakfast part was my idea!”


And the Bonus

I once told my lesbian neighbours that “I wanna watch”, so they got me a Swatch for Christmas.  


I hope you now feel slightly better. Check the sequel The Benefits of Laughter Two, Too, To — With More Witty Jokes to Prove it for more phun.



ALSO VIEW:
 

The Benefits of Laughter Two, Too, To — With More Witty Jokes to Prove it

Wicked Pranks I Played   

 
Words I Made Up

Words I Made Up — The Sequel

Words With No Direct Translation To English  

Why Many Place Names End with ‘-Stan’

Placebo Effect & The LSD Prank