OLS Reflections Sessantadue — The Scandalously Unfun Ones

• After finding out I’m a writer, a seductive woman I just met asked me for a double entendre. So I instantly came up with three. I gave her two sloppy ones — in one. Then told her: “If I said you have a stunning callipygian body, would you hold it against me?

• A wise man once said: Those who fear tomorrow should go to sleep and wake up after tomorrow.

• Sometimes I lay wide awake in bed wondering what those who write ‘HBD’ and ‘K’ do with all the extra time they save. Other nights it’s the voices in my head that keep me busy. Three out of five usually want to sleep; one still cannot get over the fact that the Alphabet, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa, Baa, Black Sheep all have the same tune; while the last one does nothing but frantically and repeatedly scream “DammitimmaD. DammitimmaD. DammitimmaD” as he stares at himself in a mirror.
  
  Now some of you may deem this absolute bollocks since there are no mirrors in anyone’s head. To those skeptics I would like to say that the inner world is a mere reflection of the outside one; hence it is all one big mirror on the inside through which there is a tapestry made of millions of other smaller shattered pieces of mirrors. Ha-Ha. Joke’s on you, smarty pants.
  
  Truly, it’s one jolly circus up here, me tell you. Entertaining it certainly is, yet turning it all off on occasions still remains tempting, let alone needed.

• “Florence”, really? I’ve told you before that the reason why many hurricane evacuations fail is because they give them lame names like Andrew, Bonnie, Irene, Igor, Ingrid, Gustave, Sandy… and Florence. Name that shit Hurricane Megalodon XZ-9000 and watch everyone evacuate days earlier.

• Constipated people don’t give a shit. Speaking of, “Taking a shit” is a bizarre expression. Because I usually leave one.

• “Rich man”: He who makes more money than what his woman spends.

• No one can take you for a ride — or drive you crazy — unless you hand them the keys.

• People on a diet deserve to have a salad dressing called “200 Islands”. A more extreme option would be the “Seven Islands”.

• In a sincere effort to help their users get a life, as of December 1st Facebook will automatically change all relationship statuses from “It’s Complicated” to “It’s Time To Move On”.
  
  
  
  
• Tonight I will get inside a time machine, attempting to change the course of history. You will know I’ve succeeded if humans can speak Dolphinese and fluently communicate with cats and dogs, we got rid of silent letters and clothes hangers with non-rotating hooks, and there are no February 29. Oh, one last thing: “Teethbrush”.
  
  
  
  
  
  
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