1- The Nun Fantasy
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the handsome driver wouldn't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me,” the man confesses.
“Alright, let's see what we can do about that. One, you have to be single. And two, you must be Catholic,” responds the Nun.
The cab driver got utterly excited and almost shouted, “Yes, I am single AND Catholic!
“OK,” the Nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child, why are you crying?” she asks.
“Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married AND I'm Jewish.”
The Nun calmly replies, “Oh that’s OK. My name is Steve and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.”
2- Confession Wisdom
A married Irishman went into the confessional and told his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
“What do you mean, almost?” replied the priest.
The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
So the priest told him, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.”
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and was about to leave.
The priest, who was watching from afar, quickly ran over to him, saying, “I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!”
The Irishman replied, “Yeah. But I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.”
3- The Golf Cart Memory
Once during his married days, John accidentally overturned his golf cart.
Elizabeth, a highly attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out “Are you okay, what's your name?”
“It’s John and I'm okay thanks,” he replied.
“John, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later.”
“That's mighty nice of you,” he answered, “but I don't think my wife would like it.”
“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted.
She was stunning, sexy, and persuasive while he was weak. “Well alright,” he finally agreed and once again added, “but my wife won't like it.”
After a few restorative Scotch on ice, he thanked Elizabeth: “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now.”
“Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile. “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
“Probably still under the cart”.
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair, then sliding a little more, until he was almost under the table. The baffling thing is, the woman with him stared straight ahead and didn't seem to notice.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and completely out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman was staring straight ahead.
Thinking this behaviour is a tad indecent and might offend other diners, the waitress went over to the table and, tactfully, said to the woman: “Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, “No, he didn't. He just walked in the door.”
5- Cuckoo Clock Gone Mad
A wife was invited out for a night with “the girls”. She told her husband that she would be home by midnight. “I promise!”
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, the woman headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another nine times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, even after drinking so much.
The next morning the husband asked what time she got in, and she told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! I got away with that one, she thought.
Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.”
When she asked why, he replied, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh, crap,” cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat.”