Dance With Your Demons

Dance with your demons while your angels clap and sing along.


What is usually referred to as “inner demons” are not actual malevolent beings or fiery entities with pointy horns and red pitchforks. They do not live in the closet or under the bed nor are they lurking in that dark alley. Personal demons are the mental struggle caused by the critical, negative, self-defeating and self-loathing reptilian voice we sometimes hear in our minds. They are the egoic version of the self that tend to sabotage everything by fuelling and highlighting our own perceived flaws, weaknesses, imperfections, destructive tendencies, past traumatic experiences. They belong to the subconscious parts of our personality.

Having fear as a main driving force, inner demons are the primitive source of most of our problems. From anger, hatred, guilt and shame, to doubts, anxieties, insecurities, addictions, attachments, and limiting beliefs. If not tamed, they prevent humans from reaching their full potential while crippling their lives to a considerable degree.


Now, the subconscious mind is the intuitive, emotional mind. A reservoir of thoughts, feelings, memories, urges, desires residing outside of our conscious awareness. According to psychoanalysis, most of its content is deemed unacceptable and unpleasant, like repressed memories and feelings of fear, pain, anxiety. It embodies our deeper, shadowy, suppressed psychological side, which many spend a large portion of their lives trying to conceal from the world. The subconscious includes the aspects of the self that one hides, ignores, dislikes, disowns, or rejects — their vices, perceived flaws and imperfections, how they process their old wounds.

What makes the subconscious mind substantially powerful is that it is in charge of our brain’s activity and processing power during a staggering 95% of our lives. Naturally, such dominance is reflected on all our thoughts, emotions, decisions, judgments, behaviours, impulses, fantasies, as well as mental health. 

The internal self-talk is simply a byproduct of thoughts. When fed, identified with, believed it can become so potently dark, uncivilised, recurring, incessant and convincing, it could direct one’s life — often subconsciously without them knowing. “I will never be able to do this”, “I am not worthy of love”, “I don’t matter”, “I am too damaged or weird or a freak” among other self-pitying beliefs our poor-li’l-me victim mentality tends to perpetuate.

Due to our formidably restless and cunning imagination, we start relating to the very content of said monologue. Despite that it is largely filled with illusory conflicts and complicated scenarios, including the stories or the narratives we keep telling ourselves, which end up becoming internalised. But, We are NOT our thoughts, remember; for they come and go, they remain transient, temporary, ephemeral. Observing them objectively through impartial eyes allows us to see through our very own illusions. This spiritual awakening is the beginning of all wisdom and clarity.  




The following is a significantly illuminating part: According to research from Stanford University, out of the 60,000 thoughts the average human can have per day, 90% of them are repetitive and 80% are negative. Imagine the lunacy!


Thinking the same thoughts turned out to lead to making the same choices; same choices means same behaviours; same behaviours translates into same experiences; same experiences leads to same emotions; and same emotions generate the same thoughts — back to completing the self-destructive loop as one becomes stuck in certain thought-patterns.

Equally fascinating, Neuroscience has come to show that our biology, neural circuitry/chemistry/hormones, as well as genetic expression are all equal to how we think, act, and feel — that which constitute our personality. In other words, consciousness creates our personal reality.

As such, identifying with the unrefined, repetitive, mostly negative inner voice and being led by its neurotic nonsense remains the leading cause of a variety of mental and consequently physical health issues we suffer from.

You see, when people are unconscious of their own dark sides if affects their personalities and influences their behaviour beyond their conscious awareness. They do not notice how they tend to project unrealised, unrecognised elements of their personalities by attributing them to another person or group. While the act may include positive characteristics, it usually focuses on negative ones. That means projecting the internal darkness outward into others and condemning evil in them; thereby transmuting the inner pain, self dislike, and disappointments into outward aggression. By doing so, they justify the darkness in others without ever admitting, or mayhap even accepting that darkness exists in them, too — at least to a certain degree. The more denial of the shadow, the more its power over us. Or as Carl Jung succinctly put it: “What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.”


Whenever thoughts, motivations, desires, or feelings are suppressed, as cannot be accepted as one’s own, they are dealt with by being placed in the outside world and attributed to others. It is precisely what makes us judge, categorise, castigate, and vilify. Truly, until one faces their own shadow they will keep encountering its reflection in others. This is the basis of Psychological Projection. 


Without awareness of the Shadow Self, or without being in touch with it, also translates as unfulfillment, resentment, low self-esteem, self-confidence. It likewise reflects on how we view the world and on all our relationships. There is this internal void, which one attempts to fill using all sorts of distractions and things that are outside of themselves.

On the other hand, to truly Know Thyself means to courageously dive head-first deep into the abyss of our own being. Introspection and self-examination allow us to become aware of the innermost thoughts. Acknowledging the darkness followed by accepting it become imperative if we want to understand the full psyche. To know your own darkness, as Jung noted: “Would help you most to have a personal insight into the secrets of the human soul. Otherwise everything remains a clever intellectual trick, consisting of empty words and leading to empty talk.” 

 

The Shadow Work we do on ourselves was actually first pioneered by Jung — hence all the related quotes and valuable insights — and it boils down to making the unconscious conscious. To be able to change, one needs to start thinking about their own thinking; observe their actions, habits, patterns, and behaviour. Accordingly, bring that which has been suppressed and repressed out toward the light of awareness, freeing us from the bondage of their shackles. Freedom means to be in the present Here and Now without translating it using past experiences. Because in terms of conscious experience, the time is always, always NOW; not in the past nor in the future. “The Work” is therefore the way to confront — and hopefully also cherish the demons — to summon them in the moment with the intention of becoming less fragmented and more grounded, balanced, and above all, whole. 

I stopped fighting my inner daemon; I’ve unleashed it 

Self-inquiry is rarely a walk in the park. At times it could certainly be uncomfortable, confusing, possibly also frightening to delve into your naked self and face your fears. But there are no shortcuts to anywhere worth going.

Seemingly paradoxically, the dark side retains its own glamour. The badness and the misbehaving generally deemed wild, naughty, wicked and mischievous retain a certain forbidden and enigmatic allure or fascination within the psyche. Vices are found attractive, adventurous, and captivating by a wide variety of people, hence all stories and movies about “bad” things and people. Perhaps it is the case because they add contrast, hence also a healthy dose of realness and even balance to the human experience — virtues and vices. After all, they are part of our human nature. And as much as demons can be destructive, they can be creative just as well. For destruction tends to breed creation. That is part of the mystique of the dark side, one could say. To get to heaven, my friends, one must first pass by hell. 

Conversely, a thing about the good side is that it is often bland and boring and expected. Everyone wants to be good! But are they really, or is just just another illusory mask? For those who make an effort to appear good exist everywhere. 


Whether inner or outer, darkness itself is not the enemy; it is not something to fight nor despise. Darkness just is. It will always be there along with the light. Just as good and evil and positive and negative are complementary, one cannot exist without the other; for that’s how the cosmos is balanced. Inner demons, then, have a function, a necessity, and in the words of Gabor Maté, also deserves our compassion. They are a fundamental part of us after all.

Besides, demons are widely thought to have once been ‘fallen’ angels. So they could be perceived as two sides of the same mythical coin. In fact, in the religion and philosophy pertaining to Greek Mythology a “daemon” [daimon] was a spirit or divine power that could influence a person’s character or fate, which was not necessarily good nor evil.

Jung at it again with: “Within every saint, a beast sleeps; within every beast, a saint”. 

Beware the confusion 

In our human world, true mastery is simply how you handle your own internal voice during the awakening journey from reactive to reflective; to find balance amidst the chaos. Then, the poor-li’l-me victim mentality along with its self-pitying beliefs start to dissipate, while you stop trying to prove — to yourself before the world — that you matter or that you are worthy of love and all the rest. Because now you know you are. Time to just BE.   

 
What essentially matters is how you respond to life, your attitude and perspective. For life is mostly how you take it and partially what you make it. The full work still must be done if one chooses to shed their skin and grow through life. 

The more we understand this dynamic between the different counterparts of our inner being, the more we reconcile the seeming polarity into Oneness, the more we become better equipped to deal with the darkness of others. Because we can relate, so we see them for who they truly are, even when they don’t see it themselves. That means we do not judge, categorise, castigate, or vilify — not even our own demons. Choosing not to be led by your emotions does not mean you’re cold or heartless, it means you’re wiser.

It is worth noting that, in essence, the healing journey is fuelled and later embodied by love and self-forgiveness.


 The resulting self-knowledge entails change, growth, evolution, becoming better versions ourselves and, of course, truth and freedom. For love is the way, or so they say.

More about the topic is covered in my previous psycho-philosophical exposé, Theory of Mind: Thinking About Thinking and the Benefits of Observing the Observer.

Certain individuals succeed to varying degrees in hiding their flaws, imperfections, eccentricities thinking them weaknesses. So they become weaknesses. Whether consciously realised or not, those tend to become victims of their own negative thought patterns — their shadow. As Sigmund Freud put it, “The more perfect a person is on the outside, the more demons they have on the inside.” 

Others learn how to use the flaws and imperfections, thereby transform the weakness into strength. Having recognised and fully accepted their darkness, these alchemists use it as a motivational force to stand confidently in their own light — owning their truth while finally transcending the seeming duality. Perfectly imperfect. Then Coincidentia Oppositorum, or the Union of Opposites. For it is the same fire that can either melt you or forge you.



The reality is, we rarely ever get to fully conquer or even outrun our inner demons by facing them on mere occasions. In fact, it is possible to overcome certain demons yet ignore or postpone dealing with others, rendering the healing process longer. Although changing locations like moving to a different country may help us reset ourselves, hence be able to change certain negative patterns and toxic habits, it does not slay or annihilate the dragon. Simply because it remains an integral part of us, so will never just vanish. Whenever someone thinks they have killed their own, for ever and ever, good for them. Maybe they did. But, it could still very well be an egoic trap, a story we tell ourselves — just another thought illusion. Such sobering nugget of truth was something I only came to learn later in life when wrestling with my old addiction demons.

Demons manifest themselves in unique ways depending on each person; just as each person deals with theirs differently. Some may be able to avoid or ignore, others may silence, escape, distract, numb themselves to the emptiness for a while. There are also those tortured souls who seem to be in a perpetual state of war with their own selves and very neurochemistry, slaves of their shadows, going through life in a “reaction mode” to the division of their fragmented minds. On the way to maturity, people oftentimes alternate between these different psychological coping mechanisms.

I used to battle, wrestle, and quarrel with my demons. 
Now we cuddle, nuzzle, and snuggle. [Artwork by kfrbs]

Still, wherever we go, there we are. As a concept, inner demons will likely always reside somewhere deep down within us. Demons as well as angels do indeed seem to metaphorically embody the Human Condition, a way for man to understand himself and the true nature of his apparent dualistic psyche. Then again, we do not fight the darkness, we light a candle. Or in the words of Nietzsche: “Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” Likewise, “Be careful when you cast out your demons that you don’t throw away the best of yourself.”

If we choose to fight inner demons, we may very well become at war with ourselves. Dancing with them, however, is the key to a considerable degree of inner peace in this life. 

So not just coexisting with our own darkness becomes essential, but also getting acquainted and developing a certain relationship with it. I actually hold that the simple ability to occasionally make fun of one’s thoughts is beneficial. For being playful in such a way helps not take ourselves or life too seriously while letting go of the nonsense of the ceaseless chatter, eventually allowing us to befriend ourselves. 

Another spirit to express the same sentiment was Charles Bukowski who said “Don’t fight your demons. Your demons are here to teach you lessons. Sit with them, have a drink, talk, learn their names and talk about the burns on their fingers and scratches on their ankles. Some of them are very nice.”


As it turned out, this relationship [with the self] is the catalyst to a peculiarly rich sense of serenity, fulfilment, depth, honesty, and some uniquely raw realness; but also of a certain refreshing kind of fearlessness. It equally teaches how to regulate our emotions. And artists are a living proof that darkness can be alchemically and purposefully channelled into creating something original that hasn’t existed before — a therapeutic experience in and of itself. To reduce the inner noise by creating an outer melody out of it, to which our demons and angels will learn to dance, clap, and sing together. This is how art can invite, inspire, entice the rest of humanity to do the same. Once more, Carl Jung would concur: “A creative person has little power over his own life. He is not free. He is captive and driven by his daimon.”


What can be done is to accept and cherish our authentic selves completely — with the ridiculous, sometimes absurdly dramatic internal monologue and all; the dormant beast and the dormant saint. Thereby welcome and embrace the dragon rather than battling it or trying to slay it; we tame the beast by putting a proverbial leash on it. Self-actualisation is how we overcome and master the darkness rather than become its victim the other way round. This is how to transcend the conflicting duality while embracing wholeness. 

When we awaken to our true nature our full potential is unlocked, the inner void and the struggle it causes then cease to exist... or is at least diminished to a manageable, witnessable level. Being human, fear still exists, but it cannot drive you crazy because you have learned not to give it the key. Whenever the negative voices visit, you can observe them objectively before letting go. Maybe even laugh at them if you see fit. Integration and liberation at last! 




To learn to ride the dragon is the secret to sincere transformation, reconciliation, and wholeness. Having these integral parts work together instead of against each other, we harness their power and might to our favour — perhaps through art and creativity, showing vulnerability, or for developing empathy towards fellow humans. Verily, befriending our darkness is to own our truth and to embody our higher wholesome self. It has the extraordinary ability to propel us forward toward a brighter existence. And those who have walked through the fire of their own hell and survived it tend to leave sparks of light wherever they go.

Tamed dragons also tend to develop wings, so they make great transportation and are capable of taking us to undreamed of heights.

He learned to ride the dragon
She learned to tame the beast
Getting on the celestial wagon
What Magick is this feast.




 

 

*Article adapted from my book 



 

ALSO VIEW: 

 
The Parable Of The Cow: You Are Not Your Thoughts
 

On Not Judging Others and Psychological Projection

 
Theory of Mind: Thinking About Thinking and the Benefits of Observing the Observer

The Intertwining of Genius and Insanity

The Intertwining of Music and Sexuality ― A Djembefola’s Tale 

The Intertwining of Pain and Pleasure

 

What Is Fear of Abandonment and How to Overcome It

Codependency: What Being Addicted to Someone Means

What Is Overcompensation?

The Significance of Letting Go

To Forgive Is Not To Reconcile

Opiated Then Hatin’ It

 

Change Is The Only Constant

Who Are We?

My Journey Towards Self-Transcendence

 

A Dialectic With Myself: Practical Yin Yang Approach to Coincidentia Oppositorum

 

Things I Got Rid Of To Become Happier

On Love and Attachment

Why We Should Not Fear Death 

  

 

To Forgive Is Not To Reconcile

A few days ago I wrote on my Facebook wall, “Forgive others because you deserve to set yourself free.” I had already shared it before and kept it in my ‘Reflections’ Word file. Five months later, I thought of posting it again. Someone commented that they couldn’t understand the link, so I decided to dig deeper before replying to them. And what I found is worth reflecting upon.

Let us examine the difference between two often-confused terms: Forgiveness and Reconciliation.


In general, forgiveness is the act or process of pardoning to prevent harmful thoughts from causing damage to one’s mental well-being. It is an inner response. When anger, resentments, and grudges arise due to past abuse or a certain crime or accident, by forgiving the wrongdoer we get a chance to let go of these negative emotions. But how can one forgive those who have hurt them? And more importantly, why do it?

In Buddhism, when you forgive someone who has harmed you, you decide not to retaliate, not to seek revenge. You simply unburden yourself from the weight of grudges, resentment, and retribution. You get it out of the system by shifting how you think about it. You choose to do this for yourself, for your own healing and well-being.

Despite that it may help the other person as well, forgiveness primarily involves us and not them. Reconciliation sometimes follow forgiveness, though it’s possible to forgive without re-establishing or continuing the relationship. We don’t have to like the wrongdoer or even see them again. In fact, we can forgive someone who is dead, because without forgiveness they aren’t really dead in our minds, they remain somewhat alive and real.

So the letting go is essentially for our own peace of mind.

 Whether it’s an abusive parent, an unfaithful partner, a close friend who has backstabbed us, or just a random stranger, we can forgive the person without excusing the act itself. Forgiveness does not mean we justify or condone or minimise their harmful behaviour; it means we choose not be angry or resentful towards them.

Gandhi said, “An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.” He equally said, “Forgiveness is the virtue of the brave.”

Forgiveness is also the gift of the wise. We can do it on our own, without having the other party to know or understand why we have done it. The bitter taste of the memory may stay with us forever, but the act of letting go that comes with forgiveness allows us to better ‘deal’ with the memory of the offence. For true healing does not mean erasing the memory or denying the harm done; it’s simply finding a way to overcome the negative thoughts and emotions that are linked to it — thereby not letting them dictate and control our behaviour. It remains a heck of a powerful choice. By dropping the weight, one is capable of focusing on more positive aspects in their lives, get well, and move on.


There are several elements or steps which need to be achieved before true forgiveness is achieved and letting go is rendered possible. I have found that Buddhism and Psychotherapy offer more or less the same procedure to healing.

First, acknowledging to the self that wrong had been done to it.

The emotion needs to be felt and expressed. Fully experiencing the related thoughts and feelings allows one to be able to expunge them, giving a chance for more positive ones to occupy the mind, body, and overall psyche.

The next step is to understand the reason behind the wrongdoing, by reflecting upon it.

The human brain is almost conditioned to constantly try to look for explanations. At this point, even randomness would suffice to convince it.

Then comes reestablishing safety.

This is achieved so that the act doesn’t reoccur. Because forgiveness doesn’t mean putting oneself in a position to be harmed again. Neither does it mean to literally “forget”, since there would be no lesson learned if that were the case. At this level, you may decide to no longer see the person, end a relationship, or establish new boundaries. To be able to proceed, safety needs to be re-acquired to a certain reasonable extent.

Note that the above three steps do not have to follow this specific order. They can overlap and the forgiver may keep returning to them interchangeably until they are ready to move on with their grieving process.

Then finally comes letting go.

This stage seems the hardest because, in a way, it appear like you’re surrendering power. But you are not. Again, you are doing this solely for your self. You choose to set it free. It may actually take months or years to get rid of all the anger, hurt, and resentment. But then when it happens, one becomes liberated from the burden, because they had fully let go of the transgression — making peace with their past. That is essentially it.

The Significance of Letting Go is an article of mine covering this specific element. Another is Codependency: What Being Addicted to Someone Means. 

Interestingly, in some earlier Buddhist teachings the emphasis was not on forgiving; but on the foolishness of taking offence in the first place. They spoke of transcending the whole experience.

“He abused me, he struck me, he overcame me, he robbed me” — in those who do not harbour such thoughts hatred will cease.”
— Dhammapada 1.3–4; trans. Radhakrishnan

As poetic and peaceful as it sounds, expecting someone who was repeatedly abused or raped not to “take {any] offence” may seem absurd at first glance, even a tad too otherworldly. While the ideal message or concept behind the sentiment remains pure, noble, perhaps also enlightened, it is certainly challenging to adopt such view when dealing with certain traumas.    

Now, while we are herein mainly discussing forgiving others [or being forgiven by them], other times to be able to carry on living we must learn to forgive ourselves — for not knowing that which we didn’t know at a certain point in time. This forgiveness then tends to breed empathy, compassion, and eventually self-love.


On the other hand, we have reconciliation. It means a return to amicability; restoring the harmony of a certain connection you had with another person. It is a more complex tête-à-tête process that surpasses forgiveness, which is a solo job. Reconciliation requires reestablishing trust between both parties by them agreeing to work together in a somewhat friendly manner.

If the responsibility for the wrongdoing is denied, or the offender maintains that they did no wrong, there’s no chance for reconciliation. 

Similarly, if the offender insists that the feelings of the other person are not of importance, or that they have no right to hold them to their standards of right and wrong, the person won’t trust the offender not to hurt them again.

For trust to be regained and reconciliation achieved, there must be mutual respect and agreement on what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. 

The offender has to admit as well as communicate they have hurt the other, that it was wrong to do so. They have to promise to exercise control in the future. Only then can their relationship be re-established.

Like forgiveness, reconciliation offers liberation and healing. But unlike forgiveness, because it involves two parties, its steps are more challenging. That is why it’s usually more complicated to materialise.


Just like there are steps to forgiveness, a healthy reconciliation requires the following:

First, the wrongdoing has to be acknowledged. Hence, its occurrence accepted.

Second, to understand why it had happened.

If the two parties try to patch things up without getting to the root of the issue, nothing can really heal. Only when the root intentions have been shown to both to be reconcilable and the differences resolved can the healing process begins to take place.

Finally, the offender needs to promise to restrain himself from repeating the wrongdoing in the future. This is when trust gets a chance to be restored, and the deal is closed to some degree. Along with honesty, respect, and a flowing two-way communication, trust is after all the foundation of every healthy relationship; make sure not to shake it too many times.


As we have seen, forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. Forgiveness is about letting go of the past, while reconciliation is about committing to a future. Reconciliation may or may not be possible due to many sorts of obstacles. And when it isn’t possible, forgiveness comes in handy, because you can do it on your own and for your own — to let go of YOUR burdens.

Both forgiveness and reconciliation could be long processes. They each offer healing and a chance to rebuild oneself or fix a relationship. Reconciliation is normally more complicated. It may sometimes never occur, or perhaps in some cases even shouldn’t occur. Still, forgiveness is only one personal decision away that is worth our emotional and mental health. For it is one key to freedom.


Forgive, no need to forget. Or in the words of psychiatrist and scholar Thomas Szasz: “The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.”

Forgive. Because you deserve to set yourself free
It is not always about forgiving or being forgiven by others, you see
Sometimes we need to forgive ourselves. Follow me?
With forgiveness comes loves. And love entails compassion, understanding, and empathy
Makes you feel one with the bumblebee, the tree, the sea — the universe in its entirety
This openness also brings upon some needed vulnerability
’Tis destiny, my friend, quel poetry
A B C
123
Do Re Me
Let it be, Love. Now set it free.

*Originally published on Conscious Life News in March, 2014



ALSO VIEW:

What Is Fear of Abandonment and How to Overcome It

What Is Overcompensation?

The Significance of Letting Go

Codependency: What Being Addicted to Someone Means

Why They Do It: A Look at Domestic Violence and Abusive Relationships

The Parable of the Cow: You Are Not Your Thoughts

Things I Got Rid Of To Become Happier

On Love and Attachment

Change Is The Only Constant

Dear Single Parents

What Is Fear of Abandonment and How to Overcome It

My natural interest in psychology and philosophy drives me to read quite a lot about the subjects. Recently I came across a paper on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of Abandonment. Fear of abandonment is something I was aware of, yet have never delved enough to fully understand it. So the research began. 



In an Article by Susan Anderson, a psychotherapist and author of various self-help books, there was a 30-point list of characteristics of the disorder. By number 10, I suddenly felt a light bulb pop above my head. My eyes widened and proceeded to change positions to get closer to the screen. Aha.



I was familiar with many of those symptoms, as they seem to belong to some people I know or knew quite well throughout my life, particularly a couple of young women. 


What was even more fascinating is the significant number of comments from readers thanking the writer, because she made them realise that whatever they were, and/or still are, suffering from is precisely related to their fear of abandonment — a moment of epiphany for most; it truly hit home for them. They identified the symptoms and shared their own stories, which were educational and, as usual, enlightening and full of insights.



As I kept skimming through the comments the light bulb got bigger and brighter. Splendid! It all makes sense now. How can one not love psychology. More personal examples reminded me by more people who, according to my new findings as well as some previous observations, must have unresolved abandonment issues. 




As a proponent of The Significance of Letting Go, I have written before about our attachment to others in Codependency: What Being Addicted to Someone Means. Also the more philosophical The Parable of the Cow: You Are Not Your Thoughts, discussing our attachment to thoughts in particular and the process of letting go of them. 


Following this enticing introduction, I felt drawn to shed some light on the topic of fear of abandonment. Hoping to help more people identify the dire effects of clinging to pain caused by past events and memories. Time to plug the light bulb and turn it on. 

What Is It?

Before getting to the causes and symptoms, we must first acknowledge the existence of a core, primal fear called fear of abandonment. It is widely proposed that the first taste of the feeling of abandonment begins when we were expelled from the warm mother’s womb towards the cold outside world. 

As the children grow, whenever the parents get home late or have to travel their emotional attachment to them is shaken. As a source of their security and comfort, they fear for the safety of their parents, leaving feeling anxious and insecure during their absence.

Family ties are fundamental to our well-being. Depending on how we are brought up and how functional these ties are, one way or another we all grow up having some sort of fear of being abandoned — whether we are conscious of it or not. We all seem to worry that we’ll be left alone in the world to deal with life and its difficulties. How we react to that universal driving force differs from one person to another. 



So fear of abandonment is a natural fear. But, if for some reason it reaches a certain intense degree that it begins affecting our judgment and behaviour, then it could turn problematic, possibly even crippling.



In psychology, fear of abandonment is described as the irrational belief that one is in imminent danger of being personally rejected, discarded, or replaced. Abandoned Child Syndrome is one of the terms explaining the condition. 




Fear, all kinds of fears, are detrimental to our health. Whether it’s from the unknown, or people, or situations, it is a fierce foe and a slayer of meaning, purpose, courage, and fulfilment. Naturally, living with fear can be so devastating that it often affects us on a biological level, activating the physical pain centres in the brain while leaving an emotional imprint in its warning system. 



Fear of abandonment is no different; and it leads people to go through an emotional trauma characterised by a wide variety of symptoms, which cause harm to them and/or their loved ones.

More in-depth information as well as reflections about the topic can be found in a recent exposé titled The Intertwining of Pain and Pleasure, dealing with the peculiar relationship between pain and pleasure — neurobiologically, psychologically, and philosophically.

Causes 

During the research, I mainly came across two psychological terms related to fear of abandonment: Abandonment Child Syndrome and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of Abandonment. 

Let us first clarify a general difference.



A syndrome is the association of several clinically recognisable features, signs, symptoms, phenomena, or characteristics which often occur together, so that the presence of one feature alerts to the presence of the others. For example, Codependency or Borderline Personality Disorder going hand in hand with Abandonment Child Syndrome.  


A disorder, on the other hand, is an abnormal physical or mental condition. 



A disease remains a different thing altogether. 



However, from reading about both, syndrome and disorder, one can see more similarities than differences. In our example here, the abandoned child syndrome is what could result from childhood issues with abandonment. Despite the fact that it is not recognised as a mental disorder, it has the future potential to turn into a PTSD of Abandonment. 



For the sake of simplicity, I will keep referring to what we’re talking about here less formally as “Fear of Abandonment”, which could lead to a ACS and/or PTSD of Abandonment.



Now, the issues related to fear of abandonment typically begins during childhood through the loss of one or both parents or caretaker due to death or divorce. The abandonment may be literal, as in physical — when the parent is not present in the child’s life (neglected or deserted), or when physically or sexually abused; it could be emotional — when the parent withholds love, nurturing, stimulation, or in the case of verbal and emotional abuse; or it could even be financial. 


For children, any of these different degrees of early traumas can be one of the most anxiety-provoking situations in their lives. They could all cause deep-seated, lasting damage. Children are known to live in a black-and-white reality, so they tend to carry the pain with them forever.


When the children grow up with an absent parent and/or inadequate physical or emotional care they often develop feelings of grief and blame themselves for their parent’s absence, which again may last well into adulthood. The sufferer continues to believe and fear that every significant person in their life is going to abandon them in a similar way.

The children of parents who lead unreliable existences, for instance those dealing with addiction, end up feeling they are the ones taking care of the parent(s). That is in addition to having to rely on and take care of their very own selves. Naturally, this role reversal messes with the development of the young ones, possibly leading them to grow up becoming compulsive caretakers — among other deep emotional scars.

Fortunately, the damage is reversible. Always, “There’s still time to change the road you’re on”, as Led Zeppelin remind us. And we’ll get to that later.


As mentioned, fearing abandonment is therefore often coupled with an exaggerated sense of dependency on another individual(s). People feel at a loss without the presence of a parent or a partner, which drives them to rush into relationships just so they are not alone.

This irrational fright of being abandoned causes our mammalian brain to perceive it as an attack on our personal being. As a way to protect us it reacts with fear. And when we feel trapped in a situation in which we have no control over for too long we tend to carry the dreadful weight over our shoulders throughout our lives. Even after the situation is over the fear remains. Just like all traumas, it could range from mild to severe, and we can always heal from it.

My interest, however, was not in the abused type, which had been formerly covered in the MK-Ultra exposé. But rather, I was more into those less severe cases of people who may have never acknowledged the existence of the wound. Or perhaps they did, but have never taken a step towards healing from the loss or rejection, possibly due to them blocking the pain. That was what the Aha-Moment I was overcome with about. Simply because it reminded me of certain people I knew, old and young.

Symptoms

Fear of abandonment manifests itself through the choices and responses to rejection, loss, and disconnection. When the past pain caused by early childhood experiences is not acknowledged or “dealt with” it tends to internalise fear, conditioning the sufferer to act in certain ways. First, towards themselves, leaving them feeling insecure and unworthy of love — which explains their tendency to blame future rejections on themselves. And second, towards their partners — which explains their insecurities and anxieties around relationships. Again, this is mainly triggered by the false belief that every significant person in their life is going to eventually abandon them.

The insecure attachments sufferers had in the past make them prone to having difficulties in forming secure relationships in adulthood. Trusting to have a bond with a partner is hard because of the fear of losing them. In fear that the abandonment reoccurs, the psychological challenges cause them to display compulsive behaviours and destructive thought patterns. 
Their inner child is still feeling unsafe and insecure, which is an inward defence mechanism that impairs their ability to develop healthy, intimate, lasting relationships. Eventually, said toxic behaviour often leads them to ruining their relationships and to, you guessed it, abandonment.

Understandably, the insecurity and lack of self-esteem also make them anxious towards uncertainty; for not knowing or not being in control makes them uncomfortable. This was something I have repeatedly noticed about certain people and it makes you question how come some of us are so fine with uncertainty, that we are even capable of enjoying it.


When another trauma occurs later in life to people who had suffered from abandonment issues as children — and it often happens — it can lead to PTSD of abandonment. Whether it’s because of their own divorce or a new loss, the reoccurrence invades their thought patterns, reminding them of their older wounds.

 The new trauma leads them to consistently re-enact their abandonment scenarios through repetitive patterns. One way is by being attracted to emotionally unavailable partners and “pursuing the unattainable”, also known as Abandoholism.

Because every life has its ups and downs and is full of uncertainty, the sufferer ends up by being trapped in cycles of abandonment which keep repeating themselves. The symptoms follow through, making it almost impossible for them to lead a happy or peaceful life. Relationships are a two-way thing, so naturally the issues are projected onto the partner(s), making it equally hard for them to sustain a healthy relationship with the sufferer.


More research brought to light another related term: Autophobia; also called Monophobia, Isolophobia, or Eremophobia, which is the fear of being alone or of loneliness, because solitude, even in a safe place like home, can cause extreme anxiety to certain people.

One more ‘ism’ is Abandophobism, which is the tendency to avoid close relationships altogether to avoid risk of abandonment; conversely, it comes with a tendency to rush into relationships and clamp on too quickly. I am sure we have all seen this type of behaviour. Now we know what could be the reason. 



The following is a shorter list of some symptoms of PTSD of Abandonment articulated by Susan Anderson.

• Extreme sensitivity to perceived rejections, exclusions, or criticisms.
  

• People pleasing — excessive need for acceptance or approval.

  
  
• Difficulties feeling emotionally connected to people when they are physically present.
  Intolerance of being alone as well as irrational jealousy. 

  
  
• Emotional pendulum swing between fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment; you alternate between ‘feeling the walls close in’ if someone gets too close and feeling on a precipice of abandonment if you are not sure of the person.

  
  
• Difficulty withstanding (and overreacting to) the customary emotional ups and downs of adult relationships.

  
  
• Difficulty working through the ordinary levels of conflict and disappointment within adult relationships.
  
  
• Tendency to have unrealistic expectations and heightened reactivity toward others such that it creates conflict and burns bridges to your social connections.
  
  
• Tendency to ‘get turned off’ and ‘lose the connection’ by involuntarily shutting down romantically and/or sexually on a willing partner; conversely, tendency to feel hopelessly hooked on a partner who is emotionally distancing.

I suggest you do your own research. There is so much truth and wisdom out there.


Another common symptom of trauma or depression due to abandonment is that the person seeks self-compassion attention. This usually masquerades as physiological sensations. It can be in the form of feeling hungry, angry, lonely, or tired; hence the acronym HALT often used in recovery programs.


Angry, lonely, and tired are self-explanatory when it comes to trauma and depression. But hunger, this type of hunger, is not the common one associated with food. Rather, it’s an emotional hunger, a certain emptiness and unfulfillment — rooted in our emotional and psychological make-up. It could be hunger for comfort, attention, understanding, companionship, or simply Love.

It is “an emotional longing for safe, nurturing connection, and for the satiation of abandonment,” as expressed by another psychotherapist, Pete Walker, author of Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map For Recovering From Childhood Trauma, as well as The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness Out of Blame.

It is no wonder that people resort to comfort food as well as drug and alcohol use when they are traumatised or depressed. These self destructive modes of behaviour can cause more episodes of vulnerability and self-loathing.

I actually do know multiple adults who consider their daily meals to be a source of security. If anything happens to their feeding time, they get disoriented and lose their temper almost like a child in tantrum, which often translates into physical discomfort. We knew it’s a psychological thing, but now one better understands its origin.


As you can probably notice, the ‘symptoms’—  or characteristics more likely — are seemingly illusive. They could be brushed off as normal and natural adult life issues one faces in a relationship with an overreacting partner. And in a way they are. The trouble is, these characteristics can be hidden, which means healing may never take place as they will keep reoccurring.


The trick here with fear of abandonment is that oftentimes some or all the above transpire on the subconscious level, without the person realising that they are living their lives as a sort of reaction to that which had happened in the past. It simply keeps reoccurring as an unconscious pattern and it becomes their reality. Just like some of the people who commented on the PTSD article, “They never put their finger on it”…until they read about it.

Another trick is that the initial trigger could be looked upon as normal by the person. Consider the simple example of unplanned “mistake children” who come later in life when the parents are busy and not present much. To the child, this is just one setting of a family in which they were born into. In some cases, they can seamlessly carry on with their lives, while in others this is how the fear of abandonment seed is first planted. This is when the self-defeating notions of “I do not matter, I am not worthy”, and “I am unimportant” begin to be instilled into their young minds — messing with their self-esteem and self-confidence. 

That said, it is useful for everyone to get acquainted with the topic. 
A main reason why psychology, and learning about ourselves in general, are beneficial.

Another benefit of knowing enough psychology is that it becomes incredibly hard to get upset from anyone and almost impossible to want to get back at them. Because, even if they had wronged you, you understand their reasons for doing whatever they do. In case of conflict, the empathy and compassion actually compel you to be the “bigger person”.

Still, it’s worth remembering that people are wired differently, therefore their reactions to traumas are unique. Again, some can brush off whatever happened to them and carry on leading rather  normal lives, even use it as a driving force to propel them forward; while others are not able to move past their experience of pain — whether they are conscious of it or not. And since we cannot grow without letting go, the latter group are bound to develop a psychological reaction, which negatively reflects on them and their future relationships. If the issues are not recognised and “dealt with,” their relationships are most likely bound to fail.



Some people cope with trauma by suppressing their emotional reaction to it. Either by thinking that it’s not a big deal; in this way, denying that there had been any pain or any feelings of insecurity or guilt they have had, despite the fear being ingrained in their psyche. Or, because they have blocked the pain for too long and therefore haven’t really had the chance to consciously think about it.



However, the fear of abandonment remains embedded in the subconscious. Once triggered — consciously or subconsciously — it causes emotional flashbacks that flood them with repressed feelings, ranging from mild anxiety to extreme panic.



Other sufferers will do everything in their power — often unconsciously —  to push their partners away, sabotaging the relationship and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of abandonment. They tend to seek to reinforce the abandonment and prove themselves right about feeling unworthy of love and having low self-esteem. They can seriously become trapped in a self-imposed vicious circle.

Then there is another group who will seek relationships where they will play the role of the abandoner. In fact, some children with abandonment issues grow up rejecting a parent because they perceive that they have committed an unforgivable act against them. So by playing the role of the abandoner you get to feel better about having been abandoned when younger. The same as when the abused becomes the abuser. 


Initially, most psychological issues and complexes adults suffer from stem from things which had happened to them in their past as children or teenagers — things they could not let go of. Fear of abandonment is caused by our attachment. And because the seed is usually rooted in youth, it brings upon all the painful memories of loss and detachment which one has gone though in their early life. 


The pain caused by abandonment is a cumulative pain, and not just a one-time thing like, say, a car accident. Sometimes the source is not a single event, but the culmination of a series of behaviours throughout a period of time which finally breaks the parent-child bond.



As traumatised children grow up, they keep on replaying the pain in their head like a broken record, making it challenging to ever get a chance to forget it. Without proper healing, abandonment could be relatively hard to get over. 
Eventually people with untreated abandonment issues can become defeated by the insecurities, rejections, and fear of loss — their own inner voice — leading to complex trauma and devastation. But it doesn’t have to be like that. Remember that it’s never too late to be a happy child.  

Another thing to consider is that how our brain — and perception — have a profound effect on our body chemistry, and hence on our physical health and reality in general. 

As such in his book titled “You Are The Placebo” author and researcher Dr. Joe Dispenza shares that from the 60-70,000 thoughts we get in our brains each day, 90 percent are the same as the day before. As such, thinking the same thoughts leads to making the same choices; same choices means same behaviours; same behaviours lead to same experiences; same experiences translate as same emotions; and same emotions then leads to same thoughts again — back to completing the loop. What does this mean? Well according Dispenza, our biology, our neural circuitry, neural chemistry, neural hormones, even our genetic expression are all equal to how we think, act, and feel — that which constitute our personality, which in turn creates our personal reality.

More about the topic followed in the psycho-philosophical piece Theory of Mind: Thinking About Thinking and the Benefits of Observing the Observer. 

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment


Let us agree that every painful experience we have endured has helped form the person we are today. Let us also agree that we cannot get past anything if we do not acknowledge it first.




So, if you happen to find yourself recognising some of these causes and symptoms, ask yourself if fear of abandonment has ever caused you challenges in your social life in general and relationships in particular. If you, too, get a light bulb above your head — whether it’s you who are struggling or a loved one — then that’s already a progression. Identifying the existence of the condition and its illusive characteristics is a significant step towards healing. 



The next step would be researching the topic by reading articles and books to learn more. The few links I have added herein should be more than enough to get you started.

Then if you feel that help is needed, do not hesitate to seek professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy.  

One relatively new option to consider in case of PTSD in particular is psychedelic therapy; it has been treating lots of people recently with significantly high success rates. In simpler cases, a few therapy sessions or some illuminating reading could be enough.

Whatever suitable option you may choose, there is always something to do if one is serious about recovery.

Now if you are in a relationship with someone who suffers from abandonment issues, and you care about their well-being, you should understand they they cannot control their irrational fear. You must remain patient and supportive, or at least try. Simply because as we have seen, for them, the fear, insecurities, overreactions are very much real in their psyches. Perhaps introducing them first to the subject of abandonment would be a good start. That’s in the case of those who never acknowledged or admitted that there are abandonment issues. 



Other times, however, the relationship cannot carry on. The person cannot stop acting like a hurt child. I have been there myself, and I can tell you that it is not the most pleasant of situations. After a while, the insecurities take over. And then there is not much one can do. The fight they are fighting isn’t with you, it’s with themselves. So do not feel bad or guilty. All you can do is to wish them well and leave gracefully.


If one’s choice is to heal themselves, a simple process must be followed. 


First, acknowledging that a certain emotional/psychological injury exists due to past experience(s).

Many people keep their pain hidden in the subconscious — as a defence mechanism. So it remains vital to bring the pain to the surface of our conscious awareness in order to heal it, hopefully for good. Understandably, this step is easier to some than others, considering how people are different and so are the depths of their traumas and wounds. Though one thing is certain: There is no moving forward without facing the darkness.


Second, accepting that which had happened.

Understanding and accepting go hand in hand as necessary keys of the road to recovery. 
In case the abandonment has been by choice, choosing to forgive the abandoner can do wonders.


Whether it’s an abusive parent or an unfaithful partner, we can forgive the person without excusing the act itself. Forgiveness does not mean we justify, or condone, or minimise their harmful behaviour; it means we choose not to have angry or resentment towards them. You see, letting go is essentially for our own peace of mind. More about that is covered in length in an earlier piece, To Forgive Is Not To Reconcile.  

If the abandonment was not by choice, due to death or other unforeseen reasons, then perhaps one should forgive their own self for treating it so badly during all this time. For self-love is the ultimate healer.

The following step then comes naturally: Drawing the line between the past and the present.
This is when the sufferer comes to understand that whatever transpired in the past has no control over the present, learning to live in the present Here and Now. This is when they can finally let go and true healing is accomplished.


It is worth noting that in psychotherapy as in Buddhism, there is no healing from any form of emotional baggage without these basic steps. Without them, the darkness tends to keep coming back, likely sabotaging their current and/or future relationships while ruining their lives.



Letting go is a recovery process. It may take days, weeks, sometimes even years, depending on the severity of the wound as well as what you do throughout this process.



One natural thing to do to restore your health and regain your peace of mind is meditation. Meditation is primarily about letting go of clinging and attachment as it is about cultivating awareness. Anyone can meditate, anywhere and anytime, too. It’s a tool to learn about your thoughts and emotions and how essentially they are fleeting; that there is no good reason to cling or to get attached to them. Awareness and observation remains key. 


Meditation also keeps us in touch with that sacred space within us, teaching us a whole lot about ourselves. 



Another way to help the healing process is through expressing ourselves. From suppression to expression, learning how to formulate our own story, our own narrative, remains essential. That’s why Art Therapy is a successful thing. Whether it’s writing, painting, drumming, or dancing, all forms of self-expression are therapeutic. 

If you chose to write, do it freely. You don’t need to share your writing, or any other creation, with others if you do not wish. Just like reading about your pain can be healing, writing about it can have equal effects, if not better. Write about how you felt abandoned, or alone, or guilty.

All these are ways for you to get in touch with the wound of the inner child so that you mature and grow thicker skin. 

Then one day, the trauma will be gone and the pain will dissipate. It will never vanish but will remain as a faint memory, possibly also as a lesson.



To conclude, all the hardship we experience in life makes us stronger. It is actually a healthy human experience. The pain and suffering add us with a new, and usually deeper, perspective on life, and on our overall existence. However, when the lesson is learned it is time to move on. Much like overthinking the future, dwelling on the past ― or on a specific incident ― never helps. Letting go on the other hand does. 



When dealing with fear of abandonment, one must realise that the fear is rooted in the past and that it does not, and should not, control you or your relationships. Whether it’s therapy, meditation, or art, these mediums are through which the healing takes place. We finally learn to live in the present Here and Now. At the very end, only you can heal you. For we are our own victim and our own saviour; the rest are mere excuses.

After some time and practice, a distinction between the wounded, vulnerable child of the past and the strong, mature adult of the present is established. It is coupled with the realisation that we do have a choice. We can finally then let go of the fear and pain while freeing ourselves from their shackles. Now it’s time to embrace the reborn soul and lead it towards the Light.






“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
― Rumi 


ALSO VIEW:

The Intertwining of Pain and Pleasure

What Is Overcompensation?

The Significance of Letting Go

Codependency: What Being Addicted to Someone Means

Why They Do It: A Look at Domestic Violence and Abusive Relationships

 
The Parable of the Cow: You Are Not Your Thoughts

To Forgive Is Not To Reconcile

Things I Got Rid Of To Become Happier

Theory of Mind: Thinking About Thinking and the Benefits of Observing the Observer

On Love and Attachment

Why We Should Not Fear Death

Change Is The Only Constant 

 

The Intertwining of Genius and Insanity

 

The Intertwining of Music and Sexuality ― A Djembefola’s Tale