Amphetamine, Methamphetamine, and Crystal Methamphetamine — A Psychonaut’s Review

Being the least category of substances to be drawn to, I wanted to better understand stimulants like amphetamines and methamphetamines — including crystal meth. Considering all the Adderall, Ritalin, and the likes over-prescribed to kids, teenagers, and adults along with the rampant use of meth in the streets, notably in the U.S, parts of Europe, and somewhat recently also in Egypt among Africa and the Middle East, I was curious to know more about these potent synthetic drugs.

The curiosity is largely fuelled by being an inquisitive psychonaut. For those inherently interested in psychology, philosophy, neuropsychopharmacology, mysticism, subjects like altered states of consciousness and drugs remain essential material, through which one is more sensibly acquainted with the inner reaches of the mind as well as with the Human Condition in its entirety. Research, in general, is equally inspired by the desire to unveil the truth in hope to become informed.

So, Amphetamine, Methamphetamine, and Crystal Methamphetamine: What is the history of each of these similar-sounding substances? What are the differences and similarities between them? What are the short-term and long-term effects on the human psyche and physical body? Any possible benefits?

 
The following are the findings, which as I often do are shared in the form of a story rather than sounding like a news reportage or academic paper. Hopefully to make it more enjoyable for you and for myself. 

My first experience with uppers began when I went to Los Angeles to attend a summer semester at UCLA. Being 19, I was still fresh and eager to experiment. Upon arrival at the City of Angels I only knew an ex who happened to be seeing this guy who was into “speed”. We couldn’t even score greens, so for several days my buddy and I were smoking it through a glass pipe as instructed. Occasionally though we would snort a line of the white powder, which I remember would always hurt my nose. In terms of route of administration and bio-availability, smoking is more potent than intranasally while weaker than injecting. 



As a stimulant, on speed you are up, alert, focused while not looking much like on anything. Just ultra sober, one could say. You do not eat much, and something I specifically remember enjoying was night driving our rental car while blasting techno-electronic music — usually following the Pacific Ocean coast through Malibu. Then back to the dorms in Westwood by 5 or 6 am. Other stimulant-induced symptoms were increased pulse and heart rate leading to increase in blood pressure, enlarged pupils, hyperactivity, talkativeness, some light-headedness, and of course, insomnia.

It was quite the experience for younger me. Though after having briefly tried ecstasy and cocaine already, “speed” seemed like it turned me into some kind of robot. There was no feeling of eternal love or empathy or any connectedness with nature or the universe as one gets with MDMA among other psychedelics; it didn’t even have the warmth of codeine, which was another reference point to my developing mind. It also rarely made me feel like wanting to dance to the music I was listening to — even though I was enjoying the listening.

By the end of those five or six days I may have lost few pounds. This was when I came to agree with the common reputation: Speed is a cheap high. In my mind then I bundled it with something like crack as it was registered as not an enjoyable recreational fun. The conclusion reached was that I need more than just some added energy, to put it simply. 


On that same upper note, before that trip I had already heard from former students how they used OTC caffeine pills called NoDoze to stay awake and study before the exams. I might have tried them once or twice, to study. But that was that.



Also in L.A I came across a few girls who were looking for speed. It was when I first began noticing how this class of drugs is preferred by females who enjoy the added energy along the appetite-suppressant quality. I equally learned it’s commonly used by students, truck drivers, and high-intensity workers. In Egypt, truck drivers did opium for the same stimulating effect.

Need for Speed




Throughout the following years in late 90s Egypt, I came to try speed several times with friends. Some would bring a bit from London or the U.S, and we would usually do it when there was nothing else to hit. It was like the cheaper coke.

For me as well as for many of my generation, THE party drug was ecstasy, commonly known as X, E,  Ex, Eve; later in north America MDMA (3,4-Methylenedioxymethamphetamine) specifically came to be known as Molly. Apparently, the meth scene then followed through, coming to the limelight in the late 90s.

Around the same days I remember once a girl in our group telling us about a medication called Tenuate Dospan (Diethylpropion), generically known as Amfepramone. Those were weight loss pills commonly used by middle age women as an appetite suppressant. “When you take enough, it will make you feel like cleaning the house at 3 am while listening to music”. Before the Internet, words of mouth and semi-blind trust were all we had.

In the UK, T.D were dubbed ‘Chalkies’ or ‘Tombstones’. In Egypt, the drug was almost unknown to anyone except some housewives and mothers along with very few experienced druggies. 

Other related worldwide brand names are Anorex, Linea, Nobesine, Prefamone, Regenon, Tepanil.

As I came to find out — bless the Internet — Tenuate is a stimulant drug of the phenethylamine, amphetamine, and cathinone classes. To feel its speedy effects you needed at least five pills. The couple of times we did them we took six or eight. While we did go out clubbing and dancing one of those nights, there was, again, no empathetic sensations or warmth. Just energy and that feeling that everything is alright, which is not a bad sensation. But I was still looking for more enriching experiences. 

This hunger to get high once led to taking ecstasy four days in a row with the same group of friends during a trip to the Red Sea... before realising that it’s not how it’s properly taken. For one, because as with most substances the body builds tolerance.

Bless the Internet, after 20 years I was able to locate them
online and finally know what they were/are

I think this was when I began developing psychonautical tendency, compared to purely recreational use of psychoactive substances. A psychonaut is literally a “sailor of the soul/spirit/mind”; from the Greek ψυχή (psychē “soul/spirit/mind”) and ναύτης (naútēs “sailor/navigator”). The difference is that there is a certain desire to learn and grow from these experiences. When a psychonaut goes through enough with a certain tool, they may outgrow it. You learn whatever is there to be learned and move on to different tools with which you explore your psych to potentially gain newer insights.

The gained perspective is either for spiritual purposes or for the exploration of the Human Condition or certain degrees of both. A psychonaut is also he or she who refers to a methodology for describing and explaining the subjective effects of altered states of consciousness, including those induced by meditation, sensory deprivation, or archaic and modern use of mind-altering substances — particularly entheogens (Hallucinogens).

Another thing with uppers specifically and myself personally is that I naturally always had the extra energy and ability to focus, which many people seem to chase when doing this class of drugs. Such heightened awareness made me speak fast, walk fast, and think fast. In fact, when talking about something I’m passionate about or when immersed into telling a story, some may whisper in my ear “Are you on blow? Do you have some?” True story.

That said, the following 13-14 years were spent away from purely speedy stuff — experimenting with all the other classes and substances, like psychedelics, barbiturates, ecstasy on occasions and later some cocaine. After a few years, the main drug of choice became opiates along with weed and hash — probably to slow myself down. This toxic lifestyle eventually led to a seven-year heroin addiction; not being into needles at all, fortunatley, after a year of smoking it was then all up the nose. During this dark period, H would sometimes mixed with Rohypnol, cocaine, and ketamine, usually one mix at a time, though on rare occasions all together. Yes. Some of us did these wacky things so you don’t have to. Seriously, beware: Mixing such drugs is how people die and I’m utterly grateful I’m still alive and writing these lines following all such madness. 



Afterwards, I left it all behind and headed to Canada, which became the ultimate detox. A couple of years later there I had to chance to try Adderall once or twice. A friend of this girl who had a priscription gave us a few. This was the first pharmaceutical speed to try after Tenuate Dospan many years prior — at least in a pill form. And again, I was just slightly energised. Already having an idea, I was casually drinking wine and smoking up. I only took a pill or two, which didn’t really take me to any special place... not that I was looking.


By Nicolas Rasmussen

After a few years in Canada my journey led me to Venice Beach in Los Angeles. I had completely recovered by then and was in my best shape in aeons, psychologically as well as physically. Due to significantly more human connections and interactions in sunny California, I came to notice how amphetamines and meth/crystal meth are spread around, between seemingly regular people and street folks alike. Since I have no intention in “speeding” things up — because they are already pretty fast — I never sought to try it again.

The first time I saw someone lucidly highlight the similarities between both these drugs was in a video of Carl Hart, a professor of neuroscience and psychology at Columbia University. The interesting is that the man is a former user himself.

In his book, High Price: A Neuroscientist’s Journey of Self-Discovery That Challenges Everything You Know About Drugs and Society, Hart exposes “Why are meth and crack cocaine believed to be such horrifyingly devastating drugs, while cocaine and Adderall are often seen as recreational drugs of high society.” This caught my attention because it was what I first believed. It became the main motivator to educate myself more on the subject rather than believing the mainstream hype.

You can watch an interview with the man on Democracy Now at the end of this exposé. You can also check his TedMed Talk titled: Let’s quit abusing drug users.

Vyvanse (Lisdexamfetamine) is an amphetamine prescribed
to treat ADHD and binge-eating disorder

I then came across a freaky story through a pretty young woman I met. At one point, she confessed that her father is a meth head and that he was the first to shoot her with it. Uhu. She got hooked for a while but then cleaned up. 

She further shared that her ex-husband is also meth head; and that one day her three-year old daughter came back from a visit to her father with a needle in her foot. Aouch! 

Another story is of a woman in her late 40s who was coming to L.A for a vacation. Last time we met was one wild night more than ten years prior, so reuniting was quite the experience. Before arriving, she asked me to look for a doctor who can prescribe XYZ, a certain appetite suppressant amphetamine. This was when I was once again reminded by how some women just love to be chemically up there.

But perhaps when mentioning the word “Meth” today, the show Breaking Bad is what first comes to the minds of many through the collective consciousness. Funnily enough, I never watched it when it was running, despite few friends telling me I have to. I had already stopped watching TV by the time the show became a hit, but could have always downloaded it. Honestly, it was a time in my life when I was regaining my health after years of leading a toxic lifestyle and wasn’t that excited to get into a show about a class of drug I don’t even fancy. So I didn’t. As a result, I lacked the basics about this drug.

 *[Few years later I did watch all 5 seasons]

As such, with all these stories and epidemics I reckoned that I have never actually tried meth. Looking at before and after Faces of Meth photos was enough to deter me from the whole idea — despite finding out later on that it is more of a media hype to stereotype and that many meth heads do not look like those photos at all. These methed up faces are not a direct side effect of the drug, but it is due to the harsh lifestyle itself some users often lead — when neglecting proper diet and hygiene. I already knew the same about heroin addiction, though apparently it is the same kind of hype to scare people from meth.

Nevertheless, I have already gone through seven years of addiction and was able to survive it. So obviously getting into something which seems even more dangerous than heroin was not even an option. That’s all in addition to the fact that uppers are not really my kind of high. 



Then again, trying it once at this age wouldn’t be the end of the world. For the sake of research and for knowing, or so this experimentalist psychonaut thought. So basically, it was mere curiosity lacking the enthusiasm. This led to never trying to find or score any meth. Eventually I thought it’s a convenient time to do my research in order to better learn about both amphetamines and methamphetamines: Their history. What they really are. What they do. And what are the differences and similarities between them. So I started digging.

Amphetamine first marketed in 1933 as a decongestant in the
United States by Smith, Kline & French

As the names suggest, there is a clear similarity between amphetamine, methamphetamine, and crystal methamphetamine. While these stimulant drugs are closely related as they share the same chemical base along some qualities and characteristics, the process they undergo significantly alters how they affect us.

 

Amphetamine was first developed in 1887 in Germany. The more potent and easier to synthesise methamphetamine followed in Japan in 1919. In World War II, both drugs were used extensively by the Allied and Axis forces for their performance-enhancing effects and were administered to soldiers to help them stay alert and awake. Japanese Kamikaze pilots were also known to be given high doses of methamphetamine before their suicide missions; millions of Japanese defence workers and civilians used them as well. Following W.W II, combat forces around the world kept using stimulants for the added stamina and physical motivation.

 

Not just the forces, but historical figures like Hitler and later John F. Kennedy also took speed. The latter was under the supervision of German physician Max Jacobson “Dr. Feelgood” who provided JFK with amphetamines along mood-modulating steroids (for his Addison’s disease) as well as meperidine (Demerol), methadone (Dolophine), and methylphenidate (Ritalin).

Like opium, morphine, heroin and cocaine before the 1920s,
amphetamines were also sold over-the-counter
before being discontinued due to high potential for abuse
and dependence

The Benzedrine decongestant was the first ever pharmaceutical containing amphetamine — with an equal parts mixture of levoamphetamine and dextroamphetamine. It was then followed by Benzedrine sulfate pills which were introduced three years later. The pills, colloquially known as Bennies, were marketed as a kind of cure-all medication and dispensed for a variety of conditions; from narcolepsy, obesity, low blood pressure, low libido, chronic pain to colic and migraines.

At the time, speed became such a big hit, it was used recreationally and was repeatedly referenced in culture through literature and music.

The Beat Generation’s writers and poets were big fans, mainly of Benzedrine. Jack Kerouac is one of those who particularly enjoyed getting zonked on it. Apart from Kerouac’s novel On the Road, references were also found in William S. Burroughs’s Junky, Allen Ginsberg’s memoir poem Howl, and in Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar.

Other examples are Ian Fleming’s James Bond who used the Benzedrine inhaler at times of peak stress. Elton John’s Bennie and the Jets — with “Bennie” being an allusion to Benzedrine while “Jets” an allusion to speed. Also in “Wet Sand” by Red Hot Chili Peppers, and R.E.M’s “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?”.

Dexedrine (L) and Dexamphetamine

Due to amphetamine becoming a controlled substance, Benzedrine was replaced by propylhexedrine, marketed under the name Benzedrex and Obesin (in Europe) among others. As a methamphetamine analogue, Benzedrex is known as a nasal decongestant, appetite suppressant, and psychostimulant medication. 

When the patent of Benzedrine was about to lapse around 1949, GlaxoSmithKline company introduced Dexedrine as its successor. Dexedrine is a dextroamphetamine which was initially used to treat depression. In high enough doses the drug increases the production of norepinephrine and dopamine in the brain, both of which cause the same fight or flight response in the user.

At start, Dexedrine didn’t achieve the same levels of popularity as Benzedrine. When users, however, began reporting its weight loss properties, it became an overnight success. By 1955 SKF was making sales of $12 million per year.

Amusingly, with all the X and Z I’m reminded by something I have written a while ago:

Xanax, Xalkori, Xgeva, Xtandi, Xyrem, Xylazine, Lexapro, Dexedrine, Paxil, Celexa, Nexium, Effexor, Desoxyn, Suboxone, Subutex, Benzedrex, Celebrex, Clarinex, Brintellix, Trintellix, Luvox, Vioxx; Zaltrap, Zantac, Zelboraf, Zestril, Zithromax. Zocor, Zoloft, Zosyn, Zyban, Zyprexa, Zykadia, Zyrtec, Zytiga, Prozac, Victoza, Benzedrine, Etizest, Otezla, Etizola.

Pharmaceutical companies deliberately choose to add the letters ‘X’ and ‘Z’ to the brand names of their drugs so that we find them compleX and believe they know what they’re talking about. 

Now four more names are added to the list. 

As a matter of fact, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, ADHD. diagnosis in children has increased to 11 percent in 2011 from 7.8 percent in 2003 — a staggering 41 percent. Also by 2011, 6.1 percent of young people were prescribed some stimulant or the other — a 28 percent increase since 2007.

But perhaps what was most disturbing is finding out that more than 10,000 toddlers at ages 2 and 3 were taking these drugs: That is, “far outside any established pediatric guidelines,” as professor of clinical psychiatry, Richard A. Friedman put it.

To get a tad more specific concerning the umbrella term ‘amphetamine’, Ritalin (Methylphenidate Hcl), like Concerta, is a dopamine reuptake inhibitor (RI); whereas Adderall (Dextroamphetamine-Amphetamine) is both a dopamine releasing agent and a reuptake inhibitor.

The difference is that Adderall increases dopamine signalling more than Ritalin does; and generally speaking, it is considered stronger and more stimulating. It also has a longer half-life and may feels smoother to many. While Adderall is considered more addictive, Ritalin has more adverse side effects, particularly during long-term use.

Understandably, people with different brain chemistry and wiring react differently to different drugs. But common positive effects of stimulants are elevated mood, decreased hostility, improved mental function. For those who actually need it, and not just seeking a recreational high, it slows down that “constant chatter of noise in their minds, the nervousness, the worry, the panic,” as worded by a user. For ADHD, prescribed amphetamines appear to improve brain development and nerve growth.

 It keeps them focused and on task.

As mentioned, amphetamines do enhance performance and increase stamina and motivation. Not just cognitive performance, especially at low or moderate doses, but physical as well. Other than students, some athletes — and soldiers — use it for its psychological and athletic effects such as increased endurance and alertness, despite being illegal in many competitions.   

Nonetheless, some doctors consider attention deficit disorder (ADD) and attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) to be sort of fictitious diseases. This includes Dr. Leon Eisenberg, the “inventor” or “father” of (ADD) and (ADHD) himself who uttered just that during his last interview with German weekly Der Spiegel seven months before his death. If you Google it, however, you will be swamped with all sorts of controversial articles and heated debates from both sides of the spectrum. 

 

ADHD meds



On the other hand of amphetamines, we have Methamphetamine. From a pharmacological perspective, the substance has no known medical uses and is almost always used recreationally. The only exception is a form of methamphetamine hydrochloride manufactured and sold under the brand name Desoxyn* — a central nervous system stimulant, used mostly to treat severe cases of ADHD, obesity, and narcolepsy which are non-responsive to other treatments.



Due to its potency, neurotoxicity, addictive nature, risk of withdrawals, and stigma associated with being almost like a younger brother of crystal meth, Desoxyn is rarely prescribed. In fact, not all countries allow dispensing its prescriptions — relying instead on other medications for ADHD. Where allowed, it is used as an ultimate last resort.

“Meth” sold in the streets is called Beannies, Chalk, Crank, Speed. The powder or pills can either be snorted, smoked, or injected.



*DesoXYn is another drug name to be added to the Ha-Ha.

The only pharmaceutical Methamphetamine

Then lastly, there is Crystal Meth — a crystallised form of methamphetamine. This is solely a street drug which is used recreationally and never prescribed. It is manufactured in clandestine labs and used illegally. It usually comes in the form of crystalline rocks which are either smoked or injected. Crystal meth is often referred to as ‘ice’, ‘crystal’, ‘crank’ and ‘glass’.


 Taking into account the regional and cultural differences, other street names include: Crissy, Tina, Shards, Go, Whizz, Dope. Also Blue devils, Chalk, CR, Fast, Mexican crack, Pink, Rock, Speckled birds.

Even though both meth and crystal meth are used for different purposes, they are fundamentally the same thing: The chemical n-methyl, 1- phenyl-propane, 2-amine is called methamphetamine or for short, meth. In its crystalline form, it becomes crystal meth. So chemically they are the same, but their structural makeup is different, varying in form and levels of purity. Though both drugs can be safely classified as “meth”.

One term related to meth is ‘tweaking’. For a meth head, it follows other stages beginning with the ‘rush’, then the ‘high’, and then more bingeing. Tweaking is the period when the body and psyche stop responding to the drug anymore, usually after bingeing and staying up for days at a time, with minimal to no food. Normally, it is followed by crashing — sleeping — which could take up to a few days for the body to recover from the binge.

Another related finding is that both amphetamine and methamphetamine are used recreationally as euphoriants and aphrodisiacs — with methamphetamine being the more common recreational drug due to precursor availability and relative ease to manufacture.



As a potent aphrodisiac, euphoriant, and stimulant, there exists an entire subculture known as Party-n-Play based on mixing meth with sex. Generally speaking, it often describes gay men who meet through the Internet to engage in high-risk sexual activity. While PnP is the terminology associated with North America for the phenomenon, ‘Chemsex’ is the term used for such type of gay sex scene in Britain and the rest of Europe. Other drugs used in the same scene as sexual stimulators are Mephedrone, GHB, and GBL. 



The crystals turn into powder once broken

Now after knowing what they essentially are and how almost identical they can appear, let us review the slight differences between amphetamines and methamphetamines.



Scientifically speaking, amphetamine is known as methylated phenylethylamine. When methylated twice instead of once, it becomes meth amphetamine. Despite their similar structure and being almost identical in nature, this small, double-process chemical step renders meth significantly faster acting, more potent, more addictive, and therefore has more potential for abuse than amphetamine. The high also lasts longer. 



Their legal status is another difference. Under the Controlled Substances Act, amphetamines are Schedule III drugs — those with known or accepted medical use — while meth is scheduled II. Funny enough, marijuana, LSD and mushrooms still remain Schedule I along with heroin.

Nevertheless, both drugs cause “euphoria” and a “well-being” sensation due to the increased release of norepinephrine and dopamine in the brain. This release of pleasure chemicals stimulates the brain’s reward centre, enticing the user to continue using. As tolerance develops one constantly craves increasing levels of the drug. Apparently the dopamine levels on meth are much higher than that on cocaine or heroin.

As with other dangerous drugs, after prolonged use the brain’s chemistry tends to change. With meth specifically, one of the changes is the blocking of dopamine released in the brain. Abuse or prolonged use can lead to exhibiting properties which are detrimental to one’s mental health and physical well-being.

All that said, both amphetamines and meth can easily lead to physical dependence and withdrawal symptoms are experienced following constant habitual usage. But as we have seen, meth will get one there much faster. 




“Drugs Are Bad, Mkay”

I hold that when we don’t force or obsess about things they often just happen organically. So one day out of the blue as I was giving a local homeless guy some clothes, he handed me a small baggie with some white powder in it — as a thank you. How adorable. 



This wasn’t our first interaction as I had been sharing food, change, and words with him for a while. I didn’t say much and when I went home I took it out of my pocket, wondering what it might be. Knowing that the guy does meth, I reckoned it must be it. 



The baggie stayed there in my drawer for about three days when one afternoon I thought “Why not”. I had no idea how potent or weak the powder is. But being only two small lines, I decided to check for myself. One was up. Followed by some burning sensation. When five or seven minutes later I was alright, I took the second. 

In about a couple of minutes I could tell it was a legit substance. Some energy with slight euphoria coupled with that same ability to focus.

The day was spent normally, between reading and writing; but I was quite energised and kept going until 3 am. Watching porn was astonishingly enjoyable because one is highly focused and can last for hours. The thing is that you are not in it for the ejaculation, but all else before it. So it can turn into a sort of chemical Tantric sex. No wonder PnP is a thing.

When I finally got into bed I remained wide awake. No tripping or anything, just up. It was actually surprising to see how those two small lines would still keep me awake after 12 hours. But they did. Also no wonder writers using uppers can finish a book or a movie in a few days.

To get a perspective, the effects of a small line of cocaine — another stimulant but also a topical anaesthetic — may last for 30 minutes. Those two small ones for a maximum of one hour. So one can only imagine the potency of that substance. Then again, while the high is close to that of coke, somehow it seems you’re not quite as up there, clarity wise. 




Different strengths: Adderall IR tablets from 5 mg up to 30 mg (Right)
Adderall XR capsules from 5 mg to 30 mg (Left)


About a few weeks later, a friend came to visit from out of town. He shared that he had been recently prescribed Adderall after going through a sort of drug-induced psychosis following a few rough life events. I could tell he was ‘high’ from his merry, talkative mood as I could also tell he went through a whole lot and needed to vent to someone who would dig.

He then offered to share some of his meds. Knowing that things just come across me whenever I don’t seek them, I agreed to play along. I was also pleasantly surprised of the timing as I was already mid-writing this piece and was looking for as much research and experience as possible.

The stimulant effects of the ‘high’ were actually enjoyable. Probably because I had another head with me and not alone as I often am, which made the interaction, talking, and listening a fun experience. Due to the relatively low dose — also about two lines — it was also conveniently short-lived. I was actually able to have dinner an hour later and sleep came naturally about two hours after that. 



 Catch Wreck‘s ADHD project album cover by Jacob Leidolf

To finalise this lengthy exposé, which technically took almost three years to compile, there was only one thing missing. While Google may have almost all the answers, in order to reach a wholesome view, direct experience is something that will always add to the litterature. With that in mind, I once again took to the streets to learn even more. My best, and perhaps also more convenient bet was to go back to the same homeless guy, which I did despite taking me a few days to locate him.

Once there, equipped with all the newly acquired knowledge about the world of uppers as well as a pen and paper, I sat on the ground next to him and began asking some questions. There was another homeless man who joined our interview, who ended up being the one to answer most questions while my guy was nodding and a seemingly a bit out of it.

Are amphetamines like Adderall and Ritalin sold in the street of Los Angeles?

Meh. There are a few people who seek them and those who sell them, but Meth is dominating. 

Because Meth is stronger?

Yes it is.

Now when you say Meth, do you mean crystal meth or methamphetamine — because according to the findings they are two distinct substances despite being quite similar? 

They are pretty much the same but they come in different forms. Some are sold by locals, while others by gang members.

But the crystals can be stronger and more expensive?

Yes, ‘ice’ is. There is this website called Tweaker.org where everything you’ll need to know is there. So what did you do?

Cool. Well, in my days I did heroin for seven years among many other drugs, but speed was the type I never delved much into, so I’m trying to learn more for a piece I’m putting together.  

I’ve been on heroin for 14 years. Now I do both together.
[This actually surprised me due to him looking like he’s in his mid-late 20s.]

You shoot them together or one after the other? Is the high close to speedball (heroin + cocaine)?

Together. Yes, it’s a whole different high and there is actually a whole subculture now into this mix. The upper and the downer together takes you places.

I bet they do. Thank you, guys. Stay safe and goodnight.

Looking at both their faces, I once again wondered if Faces of Meth is taken totally out of proportions. They both are clean and look pretty smooth. And those are meth heads living in the streets of L.A. Maybe they learned how to hide it, as most addicts do or at least try to do. 

Still, this woman I know told me the following exact words: “How crystal fucked me up in the past two years heroin never even came close to doing in 20 years of use/abuse.” Her, too, was doing both drugs simultaneously.

Stimulants and Empathogens

Since first experimenting with the Tenuate Dospan at 20 years of age, I rarely took enough speed to be spun. I did experience with a whole lot of other consciousness enhancers. But those recent small speedy doses were enough of a reminder of why I personally do not really fancy being sped up. Let alone having uppers as a drug of choice.

The subjective conclusion is that it once again seems to this psychonaut that the primary use of amphetamine and methamphetamine is to enhance performance. Whether for work or study — or to go to war or compete. They are like vitamins, or reinforcers if you will. Not much recreational. 


Recreationally, if I wanted a psychoactive substance to, say, dance, I would still choose MDMA. If to go up, then blow it would be as it appears to be of purer quality than speed. If I wanted to trip, it will be psychedelics. Even Ketamine wins in my head. But, if I were seeking energy and perhaps a certain mental clarity, then stimulants it will be. This, of course, remains a matter of opinion.

Conversely, that is not to say the extra energy, the stamina, motivation, stimulation, clarity, attention to details exhibited through ingesting stimulants in general do not make a difference. Because they do. I would actually be lying if I said my writing haven’t been occasionally enhanced by some upper or otherwise. Then again, after those past two decades I can confidently state they are still not the preferred kind of high. I’m happy to have experienced their effects throughout my life, even if briefly and with low-to-moderate doses, without actually seeking or getting hooked on them.

Another gained insight is that the dirtier, more potent street meth felt like heroin compared to the pharmaceutical amphetamine which felt like opioid medications such as hydrocodone or oxycodone. Due to whatever they are mixed with, if you ask any real junkie they would tell you that, in general, the high of street drugs happens to be stronger, sometimes even more enjoyable than pharma-grade substances.

So as we have seen, like almost all powerful drugs, neither methamphetamine nor amphetamine are really safe for use. But amphetamines are included in some prescription medications, hence they can be safe, especially when used as prescribed and under supervision or direct medical attention. Then again, just a hundred years ago cocaine and heroin were considered safe and legally sold.

On the other hand, it is common knowledge that, like opioids, stimulant medications in general are being over-prescribed, to adults and to children. The latter are being diagnosed, labelled, and medicated at an alarming higher-than-ever rate. Perhaps a portion of them are just kids being themselves — daydreaming, losing focus and attention at times, getting bored in class, occasionally exhibiting impulsive behaviour. Perhaps they are not all mentally diseased needing chemical aids like speed and meth. 

Health is wealth, my friends. Without sounding preachy, to be dependent on a substance or the other means losing a part of your freedom. So stay clean if you can. If you choose to do drugs or to get on certain medication, or give it to someone including a child or adolescent, educate yourself first before taking the decision. With the amount of disinformation currently spread throughout the Internet and mass media, along with how the world of Big Pharma works, there is no other way than to be our own researchers. Knowledge is indeed power and it may save a life. Stay Awakened.

Also, Honey, heroin was a cure-all cough medicine followed
by amphetamine becoming an OTC decongestant

EDIT [June 2022 / Updated 2026]:


As it turned out, crystal meth is not only available in Egypt nowadays, but it is also actively produced inside the country. With one gram for a meagre, predatory price of 600 EGP (US$ 20), compared to 3000 EGP (US$ 97) for a gram of cocaine, “Ice” — locally dubbed Shabu — has become a deeply devastating domestic epidemic among the working population, especially valets, mechanics, and handymen who use it to sustain impossible shifts. Beside its crystal form, the other synthetic psychostimulant amphetamine aggressively sweeping across Egypt and the broader Middle East is Fenethylline — infamously known under brand names like Captagon, Biocapton, and Fitton.

The underground pipelines feeding these meth pills into the Egyptian market reveal a bizarre, multi-layered human trade. One major, undeniable pipeline relies on Egyptian Sa’eedi men working hard labour abroad in the Gulf Arab countries, trafficking the pills back hidden in their luggage when they return home for annual vacations. Understandably, some of them are already dependant on the drug. 

But there is an even more insidiously quiet, domestic layer to this economy: The influx of foreign domestic workers and Asian nannies. Imported from regions in Asia where these synthetic stimulants are mass-produced on an industrial scale, some of these nannies carry the pills across borders entirely undetected by border authorities — whether they are for themselves or for their Arab employers. 

The fallout of this chemical trade has completely shifted the demographic landscape of high-end clinical rehabilitation centres like The Behman Hospital in Helwan. These multi-country pipelines have turned Egypt’s elite institution into unexpected crossroads of international addiction.

According to firsthand anecdotes from those who have spent time inside the walls of Behman, the facility has seen a massive surge in wealthy, non-Egyptian clients arriving from across the region. These foreign nationals are checking in and paying exorbitant premium rates, not because Egypt is an organic sanctuary, but simply to escape their home environments — seeking the strict isolation of Cairo’s oldest psychiatric institution just to desperately get, or remain, clean.

— ☙ ❊ ❧ —— ☙ ❊ ❧ —— ☙ ❊ ❧ —— ☙ ❊ ❧ —

Speaking of drugs, mental health, and institutions in Egypt, another earlier article from 2015 that is still being updated to this very day isاحذروا التقليد عند الشراء — ظاهرة الحشيش المخلوط في مصر . Written firmly with the spirit of harm reduction as my constant guide — a lens that underpins most, if not all, of my drug-related writings whether explicitly stated or not — the piece reveals the growing phenomenon of mixing hashish in Egypt (and the region) with all sorts of harmful shîte. For those who are on medication, sometimes whatever adulterants the hash is mixed with can interfere with it, leaving them suffering from adverse reactions ― causing drug-induced psychosis, for instance. Thing is, they usually have no idea why it is happening, since for them they are “just smoking up”. 

Another earlier article about institutions in Egypt has a much more sombre ending: Addiction Talk: My Correspondence With a 31-Year-Old Reader Before He Passed Away (2016). Opiated Then Hatin’ It is another more worldly one. 

The world turns, the market adapts, and the pipelines keep flowing.

— ☙ ❊ ❧ —— ☙ ❊ ❧ —— ☙ ❊ ❧ —— ☙ ❊ ❧ —

🎥 DOCUMENTARY BELOW: If you are curious, look it up on YouTube. He remains one of the very, very few neuroscientists (alongside Gabor Maté) who actually perceives the structural architecture of dependency without buying into the propaganda:

“Drugs Aren’t the Problem”: Neuroscientist Carl Hart on Brain Science & Myths about Addiction

—————————————————————

ALSO VIEW:

 

The LSD Experiments of the 1950s and 60s [Videos & Documentaries]

Surviving the Madness of Sakarana — Hyoscyamus muticus (aka Deadly Nightshade)

Out-of-Body Experience and Ego Death on a “Heroic Dose” of Mushrooms 

Addiction Talk: A Look Down The Trenches (2026)

Opiated Then Hatin’ It

Addiction Talk: My Correspondence With a 31-Year-Old Reader Before He Passed Away

Placebo Effect & The LSD Prank

Dealing with High Awareness and Empathic Accuracy

Funny Drug-Related Stories

Funny Drug-Related Stories 2

The Egyptian Man Who Kept a Piece of Hash in His Stomach for Four Years

Animals Getting High: Weird Nature ― Peculiar Potions [Documentary]

When The Sky Spoke Back

 

 

 

What Is Fear of Abandonment and How to Overcome It

My natural interest in psychology and philosophy drives me to read quite a lot about the subjects. Recently I came across a paper on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of Abandonment. Fear of abandonment is something I was aware of, yet have never delved enough to fully understand it. So the research began. 



In an Article by Susan Anderson, a psychotherapist and author of various self-help books, there was a 30-point list of characteristics of the disorder. By number 10, I suddenly felt a light bulb pop above my head. My eyes widened and proceeded to change positions to get closer to the screen. Aha.



I was familiar with many of those symptoms, as they seem to belong to some people I know or knew quite well throughout my life, particularly a couple of young women. 


What was even more fascinating is the significant number of comments from readers thanking the writer, because she made them realise that whatever they were, and/or still are, suffering from is precisely related to their fear of abandonment — a moment of epiphany for most; it truly hit home for them. They identified the symptoms and shared their own stories, which were educational and, as usual, enlightening and full of insights.



As I kept skimming through the comments the light bulb got bigger and brighter. Splendid! It all makes sense now. How can one not love psychology. More personal examples reminded me by more people who, according to my new findings as well as some previous observations, must have unresolved abandonment issues. 




As a proponent of The Significance of Letting Go, I have written before about our attachment to others in Codependency: What Being Addicted to Someone Means. Also the more philosophical The Parable of the Cow: You Are Not Your Thoughts, discussing our attachment to thoughts in particular and the process of letting go of them. 


Following this enticing introduction, I felt drawn to shed some light on the topic of fear of abandonment. Hoping to help more people identify the dire effects of clinging to pain caused by past events and memories. Time to plug the light bulb and turn it on. 

What Is It?

Before getting to the causes and symptoms, we must first acknowledge the existence of a core, primal fear called fear of abandonment. It is widely proposed that the first taste of the feeling of abandonment begins when we were expelled from the warm mother’s womb towards the cold outside world. 

As the children grow, whenever the parents get home late or have to travel their emotional attachment to them is shaken. As a source of their security and comfort, they fear for the safety of their parents, leaving feeling anxious and insecure during their absence.

Family ties are fundamental to our well-being. Depending on how we are brought up and how functional these ties are, one way or another we all grow up having some sort of fear of being abandoned — whether we are conscious of it or not. We all seem to worry that we’ll be left alone in the world to deal with life and its difficulties. How we react to that universal driving force differs from one person to another. 



So fear of abandonment is a natural fear. But, if for some reason it reaches a certain intense degree that it begins affecting our judgment and behaviour, then it could turn problematic, possibly even crippling.



In psychology, fear of abandonment is described as the irrational belief that one is in imminent danger of being personally rejected, discarded, or replaced. Abandoned Child Syndrome is one of the terms explaining the condition. 




Fear, all kinds of fears, are detrimental to our health. Whether it’s from the unknown, or people, or situations, it is a fierce foe and a slayer of meaning, purpose, courage, and fulfilment. Naturally, living with fear can be so devastating that it often affects us on a biological level, activating the physical pain centres in the brain while leaving an emotional imprint in its warning system. 



Fear of abandonment is no different; and it leads people to go through an emotional trauma characterised by a wide variety of symptoms, which cause harm to them and/or their loved ones.

More in-depth information as well as reflections about the topic can be found in a recent exposé titled The Intertwining of Pain and Pleasure, dealing with the peculiar relationship between pain and pleasure — neurobiologically, psychologically, and philosophically.

Causes 

During the research, I mainly came across two psychological terms related to fear of abandonment: Abandonment Child Syndrome and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of Abandonment. 

Let us first clarify a general difference.



A syndrome is the association of several clinically recognisable features, signs, symptoms, phenomena, or characteristics which often occur together, so that the presence of one feature alerts to the presence of the others. For example, Codependency or Borderline Personality Disorder going hand in hand with Abandonment Child Syndrome.  


A disorder, on the other hand, is an abnormal physical or mental condition. 



A disease remains a different thing altogether. 



However, from reading about both, syndrome and disorder, one can see more similarities than differences. In our example here, the abandoned child syndrome is what could result from childhood issues with abandonment. Despite the fact that it is not recognised as a mental disorder, it has the future potential to turn into a PTSD of Abandonment. 



For the sake of simplicity, I will keep referring to what we’re talking about here less formally as “Fear of Abandonment”, which could lead to a ACS and/or PTSD of Abandonment.



Now, the issues related to fear of abandonment typically begins during childhood through the loss of one or both parents or caretaker due to death or divorce. The abandonment may be literal, as in physical — when the parent is not present in the child’s life (neglected or deserted), or when physically or sexually abused; it could be emotional — when the parent withholds love, nurturing, stimulation, or in the case of verbal and emotional abuse; or it could even be financial. 


For children, any of these different degrees of early traumas can be one of the most anxiety-provoking situations in their lives. They could all cause deep-seated, lasting damage. Children are known to live in a black-and-white reality, so they tend to carry the pain with them forever.


When the children grow up with an absent parent and/or inadequate physical or emotional care they often develop feelings of grief and blame themselves for their parent’s absence, which again may last well into adulthood. The sufferer continues to believe and fear that every significant person in their life is going to abandon them in a similar way.

The children of parents who lead unreliable existences, for instance those dealing with addiction, end up feeling they are the ones taking care of the parent(s). That is in addition to having to rely on and take care of their very own selves. Naturally, this role reversal messes with the development of the young ones, possibly leading them to grow up becoming compulsive caretakers — among other deep emotional scars.

Fortunately, the damage is reversible. Always, “There’s still time to change the road you’re on”, as Led Zeppelin remind us. And we’ll get to that later.


As mentioned, fearing abandonment is therefore often coupled with an exaggerated sense of dependency on another individual(s). People feel at a loss without the presence of a parent or a partner, which drives them to rush into relationships just so they are not alone.

This irrational fright of being abandoned causes our mammalian brain to perceive it as an attack on our personal being. As a way to protect us it reacts with fear. And when we feel trapped in a situation in which we have no control over for too long we tend to carry the dreadful weight over our shoulders throughout our lives. Even after the situation is over the fear remains. Just like all traumas, it could range from mild to severe, and we can always heal from it.

My interest, however, was not in the abused type, which had been formerly covered in the MK-Ultra exposé. But rather, I was more into those less severe cases of people who may have never acknowledged the existence of the wound. Or perhaps they did, but have never taken a step towards healing from the loss or rejection, possibly due to them blocking the pain. That was what the Aha-Moment I was overcome with about. Simply because it reminded me of certain people I knew, old and young.

Symptoms

Fear of abandonment manifests itself through the choices and responses to rejection, loss, and disconnection. When the past pain caused by early childhood experiences is not acknowledged or “dealt with” it tends to internalise fear, conditioning the sufferer to act in certain ways. First, towards themselves, leaving them feeling insecure and unworthy of love — which explains their tendency to blame future rejections on themselves. And second, towards their partners — which explains their insecurities and anxieties around relationships. Again, this is mainly triggered by the false belief that every significant person in their life is going to eventually abandon them.

The insecure attachments sufferers had in the past make them prone to having difficulties in forming secure relationships in adulthood. Trusting to have a bond with a partner is hard because of the fear of losing them. In fear that the abandonment reoccurs, the psychological challenges cause them to display compulsive behaviours and destructive thought patterns. 
Their inner child is still feeling unsafe and insecure, which is an inward defence mechanism that impairs their ability to develop healthy, intimate, lasting relationships. Eventually, said toxic behaviour often leads them to ruining their relationships and to, you guessed it, abandonment.

Understandably, the insecurity and lack of self-esteem also make them anxious towards uncertainty; for not knowing or not being in control makes them uncomfortable. This was something I have repeatedly noticed about certain people and it makes you question how come some of us are so fine with uncertainty, that we are even capable of enjoying it.


When another trauma occurs later in life to people who had suffered from abandonment issues as children — and it often happens — it can lead to PTSD of abandonment. Whether it’s because of their own divorce or a new loss, the reoccurrence invades their thought patterns, reminding them of their older wounds.

 The new trauma leads them to consistently re-enact their abandonment scenarios through repetitive patterns. One way is by being attracted to emotionally unavailable partners and “pursuing the unattainable”, also known as Abandoholism.

Because every life has its ups and downs and is full of uncertainty, the sufferer ends up by being trapped in cycles of abandonment which keep repeating themselves. The symptoms follow through, making it almost impossible for them to lead a happy or peaceful life. Relationships are a two-way thing, so naturally the issues are projected onto the partner(s), making it equally hard for them to sustain a healthy relationship with the sufferer.


More research brought to light another related term: Autophobia; also called Monophobia, Isolophobia, or Eremophobia, which is the fear of being alone or of loneliness, because solitude, even in a safe place like home, can cause extreme anxiety to certain people.

One more ‘ism’ is Abandophobism, which is the tendency to avoid close relationships altogether to avoid risk of abandonment; conversely, it comes with a tendency to rush into relationships and clamp on too quickly. I am sure we have all seen this type of behaviour. Now we know what could be the reason. 



The following is a shorter list of some symptoms of PTSD of Abandonment articulated by Susan Anderson.

• Extreme sensitivity to perceived rejections, exclusions, or criticisms.
  

• People pleasing — excessive need for acceptance or approval.

  
  
• Difficulties feeling emotionally connected to people when they are physically present.
  Intolerance of being alone as well as irrational jealousy. 

  
  
• Emotional pendulum swing between fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment; you alternate between ‘feeling the walls close in’ if someone gets too close and feeling on a precipice of abandonment if you are not sure of the person.

  
  
• Difficulty withstanding (and overreacting to) the customary emotional ups and downs of adult relationships.

  
  
• Difficulty working through the ordinary levels of conflict and disappointment within adult relationships.
  
  
• Tendency to have unrealistic expectations and heightened reactivity toward others such that it creates conflict and burns bridges to your social connections.
  
  
• Tendency to ‘get turned off’ and ‘lose the connection’ by involuntarily shutting down romantically and/or sexually on a willing partner; conversely, tendency to feel hopelessly hooked on a partner who is emotionally distancing.

I suggest you do your own research. There is so much truth and wisdom out there.


Another common symptom of trauma or depression due to abandonment is that the person seeks self-compassion attention. This usually masquerades as physiological sensations. It can be in the form of feeling hungry, angry, lonely, or tired; hence the acronym HALT often used in recovery programs.


Angry, lonely, and tired are self-explanatory when it comes to trauma and depression. But hunger, this type of hunger, is not the common one associated with food. Rather, it’s an emotional hunger, a certain emptiness and unfulfillment — rooted in our emotional and psychological make-up. It could be hunger for comfort, attention, understanding, companionship, or simply Love.

It is “an emotional longing for safe, nurturing connection, and for the satiation of abandonment,” as expressed by another psychotherapist, Pete Walker, author of Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map For Recovering From Childhood Trauma, as well as The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness Out of Blame.

It is no wonder that people resort to comfort food as well as drug and alcohol use when they are traumatised or depressed. These self destructive modes of behaviour can cause more episodes of vulnerability and self-loathing.

I actually do know multiple adults who consider their daily meals to be a source of security. If anything happens to their feeding time, they get disoriented and lose their temper almost like a child in tantrum, which often translates into physical discomfort. We knew it’s a psychological thing, but now one better understands its origin.


As you can probably notice, the ‘symptoms’—  or characteristics more likely — are seemingly illusive. They could be brushed off as normal and natural adult life issues one faces in a relationship with an overreacting partner. And in a way they are. The trouble is, these characteristics can be hidden, which means healing may never take place as they will keep reoccurring.


The trick here with fear of abandonment is that oftentimes some or all the above transpire on the subconscious level, without the person realising that they are living their lives as a sort of reaction to that which had happened in the past. It simply keeps reoccurring as an unconscious pattern and it becomes their reality. Just like some of the people who commented on the PTSD article, “They never put their finger on it”…until they read about it.

Another trick is that the initial trigger could be looked upon as normal by the person. Consider the simple example of unplanned “mistake children” who come later in life when the parents are busy and not present much. To the child, this is just one setting of a family in which they were born into. In some cases, they can seamlessly carry on with their lives, while in others this is how the fear of abandonment seed is first planted. This is when the self-defeating notions of “I do not matter, I am not worthy”, and “I am unimportant” begin to be instilled into their young minds — messing with their self-esteem and self-confidence. 

That said, it is useful for everyone to get acquainted with the topic. 
A main reason why psychology, and learning about ourselves in general, are beneficial.

Another benefit of knowing enough psychology is that it becomes incredibly hard to get upset from anyone and almost impossible to want to get back at them. Because, even if they had wronged you, you understand their reasons for doing whatever they do. In case of conflict, the empathy and compassion actually compel you to be the “bigger person”.

Still, it’s worth remembering that people are wired differently, therefore their reactions to traumas are unique. Again, some can brush off whatever happened to them and carry on leading rather  normal lives, even use it as a driving force to propel them forward; while others are not able to move past their experience of pain — whether they are conscious of it or not. And since we cannot grow without letting go, the latter group are bound to develop a psychological reaction, which negatively reflects on them and their future relationships. If the issues are not recognised and “dealt with,” their relationships are most likely bound to fail.



Some people cope with trauma by suppressing their emotional reaction to it. Either by thinking that it’s not a big deal; in this way, denying that there had been any pain or any feelings of insecurity or guilt they have had, despite the fear being ingrained in their psyche. Or, because they have blocked the pain for too long and therefore haven’t really had the chance to consciously think about it.



However, the fear of abandonment remains embedded in the subconscious. Once triggered — consciously or subconsciously — it causes emotional flashbacks that flood them with repressed feelings, ranging from mild anxiety to extreme panic.



Other sufferers will do everything in their power — often unconsciously —  to push their partners away, sabotaging the relationship and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of abandonment. They tend to seek to reinforce the abandonment and prove themselves right about feeling unworthy of love and having low self-esteem. They can seriously become trapped in a self-imposed vicious circle.

Then there is another group who will seek relationships where they will play the role of the abandoner. In fact, some children with abandonment issues grow up rejecting a parent because they perceive that they have committed an unforgivable act against them. So by playing the role of the abandoner you get to feel better about having been abandoned when younger. The same as when the abused becomes the abuser. 


Initially, most psychological issues and complexes adults suffer from stem from things which had happened to them in their past as children or teenagers — things they could not let go of. Fear of abandonment is caused by our attachment. And because the seed is usually rooted in youth, it brings upon all the painful memories of loss and detachment which one has gone though in their early life. 


The pain caused by abandonment is a cumulative pain, and not just a one-time thing like, say, a car accident. Sometimes the source is not a single event, but the culmination of a series of behaviours throughout a period of time which finally breaks the parent-child bond.



As traumatised children grow up, they keep on replaying the pain in their head like a broken record, making it challenging to ever get a chance to forget it. Without proper healing, abandonment could be relatively hard to get over. 
Eventually people with untreated abandonment issues can become defeated by the insecurities, rejections, and fear of loss — their own inner voice — leading to complex trauma and devastation. But it doesn’t have to be like that. Remember that it’s never too late to be a happy child.  

Another thing to consider is that how our brain — and perception — have a profound effect on our body chemistry, and hence on our physical health and reality in general. 

As such in his book titled “You Are The Placebo” author and researcher Dr. Joe Dispenza shares that from the 60-70,000 thoughts we get in our brains each day, 90 percent are the same as the day before. As such, thinking the same thoughts leads to making the same choices; same choices means same behaviours; same behaviours lead to same experiences; same experiences translate as same emotions; and same emotions then leads to same thoughts again — back to completing the loop. What does this mean? Well according Dispenza, our biology, our neural circuitry, neural chemistry, neural hormones, even our genetic expression are all equal to how we think, act, and feel — that which constitute our personality, which in turn creates our personal reality.

More about the topic followed in the psycho-philosophical piece Theory of Mind: Thinking About Thinking and the Benefits of Observing the Observer. 

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment


Let us agree that every painful experience we have endured has helped form the person we are today. Let us also agree that we cannot get past anything if we do not acknowledge it first.




So, if you happen to find yourself recognising some of these causes and symptoms, ask yourself if fear of abandonment has ever caused you challenges in your social life in general and relationships in particular. If you, too, get a light bulb above your head — whether it’s you who are struggling or a loved one — then that’s already a progression. Identifying the existence of the condition and its illusive characteristics is a significant step towards healing. 



The next step would be researching the topic by reading articles and books to learn more. The few links I have added herein should be more than enough to get you started.

Then if you feel that help is needed, do not hesitate to seek professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy.  

One relatively new option to consider in case of PTSD in particular is psychedelic therapy; it has been treating lots of people recently with significantly high success rates. In simpler cases, a few therapy sessions or some illuminating reading could be enough.

Whatever suitable option you may choose, there is always something to do if one is serious about recovery.

Now if you are in a relationship with someone who suffers from abandonment issues, and you care about their well-being, you should understand they they cannot control their irrational fear. You must remain patient and supportive, or at least try. Simply because as we have seen, for them, the fear, insecurities, overreactions are very much real in their psyches. Perhaps introducing them first to the subject of abandonment would be a good start. That’s in the case of those who never acknowledged or admitted that there are abandonment issues. 



Other times, however, the relationship cannot carry on. The person cannot stop acting like a hurt child. I have been there myself, and I can tell you that it is not the most pleasant of situations. After a while, the insecurities take over. And then there is not much one can do. The fight they are fighting isn’t with you, it’s with themselves. So do not feel bad or guilty. All you can do is to wish them well and leave gracefully.


If one’s choice is to heal themselves, a simple process must be followed. 


First, acknowledging that a certain emotional/psychological injury exists due to past experience(s).

Many people keep their pain hidden in the subconscious — as a defence mechanism. So it remains vital to bring the pain to the surface of our conscious awareness in order to heal it, hopefully for good. Understandably, this step is easier to some than others, considering how people are different and so are the depths of their traumas and wounds. Though one thing is certain: There is no moving forward without facing the darkness.


Second, accepting that which had happened.

Understanding and accepting go hand in hand as necessary keys of the road to recovery. 
In case the abandonment has been by choice, choosing to forgive the abandoner can do wonders.


Whether it’s an abusive parent or an unfaithful partner, we can forgive the person without excusing the act itself. Forgiveness does not mean we justify, or condone, or minimise their harmful behaviour; it means we choose not to have angry or resentment towards them. You see, letting go is essentially for our own peace of mind. More about that is covered in length in an earlier piece, To Forgive Is Not To Reconcile.  

If the abandonment was not by choice, due to death or other unforeseen reasons, then perhaps one should forgive their own self for treating it so badly during all this time. For self-love is the ultimate healer.

The following step then comes naturally: Drawing the line between the past and the present.
This is when the sufferer comes to understand that whatever transpired in the past has no control over the present, learning to live in the present Here and Now. This is when they can finally let go and true healing is accomplished.


It is worth noting that in psychotherapy as in Buddhism, there is no healing from any form of emotional baggage without these basic steps. Without them, the darkness tends to keep coming back, likely sabotaging their current and/or future relationships while ruining their lives.



Letting go is a recovery process. It may take days, weeks, sometimes even years, depending on the severity of the wound as well as what you do throughout this process.



One natural thing to do to restore your health and regain your peace of mind is meditation. Meditation is primarily about letting go of clinging and attachment as it is about cultivating awareness. Anyone can meditate, anywhere and anytime, too. It’s a tool to learn about your thoughts and emotions and how essentially they are fleeting; that there is no good reason to cling or to get attached to them. Awareness and observation remains key. 


Meditation also keeps us in touch with that sacred space within us, teaching us a whole lot about ourselves. 



Another way to help the healing process is through expressing ourselves. From suppression to expression, learning how to formulate our own story, our own narrative, remains essential. That’s why Art Therapy is a successful thing. Whether it’s writing, painting, drumming, or dancing, all forms of self-expression are therapeutic. 

If you chose to write, do it freely. You don’t need to share your writing, or any other creation, with others if you do not wish. Just like reading about your pain can be healing, writing about it can have equal effects, if not better. Write about how you felt abandoned, or alone, or guilty.

All these are ways for you to get in touch with the wound of the inner child so that you mature and grow thicker skin. 

Then one day, the trauma will be gone and the pain will dissipate. It will never vanish but will remain as a faint memory, possibly also as a lesson.



To conclude, all the hardship we experience in life makes us stronger. It is actually a healthy human experience. The pain and suffering add us with a new, and usually deeper, perspective on life, and on our overall existence. However, when the lesson is learned it is time to move on. Much like overthinking the future, dwelling on the past ― or on a specific incident ― never helps. Letting go on the other hand does. 



When dealing with fear of abandonment, one must realise that the fear is rooted in the past and that it does not, and should not, control you or your relationships. Whether it’s therapy, meditation, or art, these mediums are through which the healing takes place. We finally learn to live in the present Here and Now. At the very end, only you can heal you. For we are our own victim and our own saviour; the rest are mere excuses.

After some time and practice, a distinction between the wounded, vulnerable child of the past and the strong, mature adult of the present is established. It is coupled with the realisation that we do have a choice. We can finally then let go of the fear and pain while freeing ourselves from their shackles. Now it’s time to embrace the reborn soul and lead it towards the Light.






“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
― Rumi 


ALSO VIEW:

The Intertwining of Pain and Pleasure

What Is Overcompensation?

The Significance of Letting Go

Codependency: What Being Addicted to Someone Means

Why They Do It: A Look at Domestic Violence and Abusive Relationships

 
The Parable of the Cow: You Are Not Your Thoughts

To Forgive Is Not To Reconcile

Things I Got Rid Of To Become Happier

Theory of Mind: Thinking About Thinking and the Benefits of Observing the Observer

On Love and Attachment

Why We Should Not Fear Death

Change Is The Only Constant 

 

The Intertwining of Genius and Insanity

 

The Intertwining of Music and Sexuality ― A Djembefola’s Tale