My natural interest in psychology and philosophy drives me to read quite a lot about the subjects. Recently I came across a paper on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of Abandonment. Fear of abandonment is something I was aware of, yet have never delved enough to fully understand it. So the research began.
In an Article by
Susan Anderson, a psychotherapist and author of various self-help books, there was a 30-point list of characteristics of the disorder. By number 10, I suddenly felt a light bulb pop above my head. My eyes widened and proceeded to change positions to get closer to the screen. Aha.
I was familiar with many of those symptoms, as they seem to belong to some people I know or knew quite well throughout my life, particularly a couple of young women.
What was even more fascinating is the significant number of comments from readers thanking the writer, because she made them realise that whatever they were, and/or still are, suffering from is precisely related to their fear of abandonment — a moment of epiphany for most; it truly hit home for them. They identified the symptoms and shared their own stories, which were educational and, as usual, enlightening and full of insights.
As I kept skimming through the comments the light bulb got bigger and brighter.
Splendid! It all makes sense now. How can one not love psychology. More personal examples reminded me by more people who, according to my new findings as well as some previous observations, must have unresolved abandonment issues.
As a proponent of
The Significance of Letting Go, I have written before about our attachment to others in
Codependency: What Being Addicted to Someone Means. Also the more philosophical
The Parable of the Cow: You Are Not Your Thoughts, discussing our attachment to thoughts in particular and the process of letting go of them.
Following this enticing introduction, I felt drawn to shed some light on the topic of fear of abandonment. Hoping to help more people identify the dire effects of clinging to pain caused by past events and memories. Time to plug the light bulb and turn it on.
What Is It?
Before getting to the causes and symptoms, we must first acknowledge the existence of a core, primal fear called fear of abandonment. It is widely proposed that the first taste of the feeling of abandonment begins when we were expelled from the warm mother’s womb towards the cold outside world.
As the children grow, whenever the parents get home late or have to travel their emotional attachment to them is shaken. As a source of their security and comfort, they fear for the safety of their parents, leaving feeling anxious and insecure during their absence.
Family ties are fundamental to our well-being. Depending on how we are brought up and how functional these ties are, one way or another we all grow up having some sort of fear of being abandoned — whether we are conscious of it or not. We all seem to worry that we’ll be left alone in the world to deal with life and its difficulties. How we react to that universal driving force differs from one person to another.
So fear of abandonment
is a natural fear. But, if for some reason it reaches a certain intense degree that it begins affecting our judgment and behaviour, then it could turn problematic
, possibly even crippling.
In psychology, fear of abandonment is described as the irrational belief that one is in imminent danger of being personally rejected, discarded, or replaced.
Abandoned Child Syndrome is one of the terms explaining the condition.
Fear, all kinds of fears, are detrimental to our health. Whether it’s from the unknown, or people, or situations, it is a fierce foe and a slayer of meaning, purpose, courage, and fulfilment. Naturally, living with fear can be so devastating that it often affects us on a biological level, activating the physical pain centres in the brain while leaving an emotional imprint in its warning system.
Fear of abandonment is no different; and it leads people to go through
an emotional trauma characterised by a wide variety of symptoms, which
cause harm to them and/or their loved ones.
More in-depth information as well as reflections about the topic can be found in a recent exposé titled
The Intertwining of Pain and Pleasure, dealing with the peculiar relationship between pain and pleasure — neurobiologically, psychologically, and philosophically.
Causes
During the research, I mainly came across two psychological terms related to fear of abandonment: Abandonment Child Syndrome and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of Abandonment.
Let us first clarify a general difference.
A
syndrome is the association of several clinically recognisable features, signs, symptoms, phenomena, or characteristics which often occur together, so that the presence of one feature alerts to the presence of the others. For example, Codependency or Borderline Personality Disorder going hand in hand with Abandonment Child Syndrome.
A
disorder, on the other hand, is an abnormal physical or mental condition.
A
disease remains a different thing altogether.
However, from reading about both, syndrome and disorder, one can see more similarities than differences. In our example here, the abandoned child syndrome is what could result from childhood issues with abandonment. Despite the fact that it is not recognised as a mental disorder, it has the future potential to turn into a PTSD of Abandonment.
For the sake of simplicity, I will keep referring to what we’re talking about here less formally as “Fear of Abandonment”, which could lead to a ACS and/or PTSD of Abandonment.
Now, the issues related to fear of abandonment typically begins during childhood through the loss of one or both parents or caretaker due to death or divorce. The abandonment may be literal, as in physical — when the parent is not present in the child’s life (neglected or deserted), or when physically or sexually abused; it could be emotional — when the parent withholds love, nurturing, stimulation, or in the case of verbal and emotional abuse; or it could even be financial.
For children, any of these different degrees of early traumas can be one of the most anxiety-provoking situations in their lives. They could all cause deep-seated, lasting damage. Children are known to live in a black-and-white reality, so they tend to carry the pain with them forever.
When the children grow up with an absent parent and/or inadequate physical or emotional care they often develop feelings of grief and blame themselves for their parent’s absence, which again may last well into adulthood. The sufferer continues to believe and fear that every significant person in their life is going to abandon them in a similar way.
The children of parents who lead unreliable existences, for instance those dealing with addiction, end up
feeling they are the ones taking care of the parent(s). That is in addition to
having to rely on and take care of their very own selves. Naturally, this role
reversal messes with the development of the young ones, possibly leading them to grow
up becoming compulsive caretakers — among other deep emotional scars.
Fortunately, the damage is reversible. Always, “
There’s still time to change the road you’re on”, as Led Zeppelin remind us. And we’ll get to that later.
As mentioned, fearing abandonment is therefore often coupled with an exaggerated sense of dependency on another individual(s). People feel at a loss without the presence of a parent or a partner, which drives them to rush into relationships just so they are not alone.
This irrational fright of being abandoned causes our mammalian brain to perceive it as an attack on our personal being. As a way to protect us it reacts with fear. And when we feel trapped in a situation in which we have no control over for too long we tend to carry the dreadful weight over our shoulders throughout our lives. Even after the situation is over the fear remains. Just like all traumas, it could range from mild to severe, and we can always heal from it.
My interest, however, was not in the abused type, which had been formerly covered in the
MK-Ultra exposé. But rather, I was more into those less severe cases of people who may have never acknowledged the existence of the wound. Or perhaps they did, but have never taken a step towards healing from the loss or rejection, possibly due to them blocking the pain. That was what the Aha-Moment I was overcome with about. Simply because it reminded me of certain people I knew, old and young.
Symptoms
Fear of abandonment manifests itself through the choices and responses to rejection, loss, and disconnection. When the past pain caused by early childhood experiences is not acknowledged or “dealt with” it tends to internalise fear, conditioning the sufferer to act in certain ways. First, towards themselves, leaving them feeling insecure and unworthy of love — which explains their tendency to blame future rejections on themselves. And second, towards their partners — which explains their insecurities and anxieties around relationships. Again, this is mainly triggered by the false belief that every significant person in their life is going to eventually abandon them.
The insecure attachments sufferers had in the past make them prone to having difficulties in forming secure relationships in adulthood. Trusting to have a bond with a partner is hard because of the fear of losing them. In fear that the abandonment reoccurs, the psychological challenges cause them to display compulsive behaviours and destructive thought patterns.
Their inner child is still feeling unsafe and insecure, which is an inward defence mechanism that impairs their ability to develop healthy, intimate, lasting relationships. Eventually, said toxic behaviour often leads them to ruining their relationships and to, you guessed it, abandonment.
Understandably, the insecurity and lack of self-esteem also make them anxious towards uncertainty; for not knowing or not being in control makes them uncomfortable. This was something I have repeatedly noticed about certain people and it makes you question how come some of us are so fine with uncertainty, that we are even capable of enjoying it.
When another trauma occurs later in life to people who had suffered from abandonment issues as children — and it often happens — it can lead to PTSD of abandonment. Whether it’s because of their own divorce or a new loss, the reoccurrence invades their thought patterns, reminding them of their older wounds.
The new trauma leads them to consistently re-enact their abandonment scenarios through repetitive patterns. One way is by being attracted to emotionally unavailable partners and “pursuing the unattainable”, also known as
Abandoholism.
Because every life has its ups and downs and is full of uncertainty, the sufferer ends up by being trapped in cycles of abandonment which keep repeating themselves. The symptoms follow through, making it almost impossible for them to lead a happy or peaceful life. Relationships are a two-way thing, so naturally the issues are projected onto the partner(s), making it equally hard for them to sustain a healthy relationship with the sufferer.
More research brought to light another related term:
Autophobia; also called
Monophobia,
Isolophobia, or
Eremophobia, which is the fear of being alone or of loneliness, because solitude, even in a safe place like home, can cause extreme anxiety to certain people.
One more ‘ism’ is
Abandophobism, which is the tendency to avoid close relationships altogether to avoid risk of abandonment; conversely, it comes with a tendency to rush into relationships and clamp on too quickly. I am sure we have all seen this type of behaviour. Now we know what
could be the reason.
The following is a shorter list of some symptoms of PTSD of Abandonment articulated by Susan Anderson.
- Extreme sensitivity to perceived rejections, exclusions, or criticisms.
- People pleasing — excessive need for acceptance or approval.
- Difficulties feeling emotionally connected to people when they are physically present.
Intolerance of being alone as well as irrational jealousy.
- Emotional pendulum swing between fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment; you alternate between ‘feeling the walls close in’ if someone gets too close and feeling on a precipice of abandonment if you are not sure of the person.
- Difficulty withstanding (and overreacting to) the customary emotional ups and downs of adult relationships.
- Difficulty working through the ordinary levels of conflict and disappointment within adult relationships.
- Tendency to have unrealistic expectations and heightened reactivity toward others such that it creates conflict and burns bridges to your social connections.
- Tendency to ‘get turned off’ and ‘lose the connection’ by involuntarily shutting down romantically and/or sexually on a willing partner; conversely, tendency to feel hopelessly hooked on a partner who is emotionally distancing.
I suggest you do your own research. There is so much truth and wisdom out there.
Another common symptom of trauma or depression due to abandonment is that the person seeks self-compassion attention. This usually masquerades as physiological sensations. It can be in the form of feeling hungry, angry, lonely, or tired; hence the acronym
HALT often used in recovery programs.
Angry, lonely, and tired are self-explanatory when it comes to trauma and depression. But hunger, this type of hunger, is not the common one associated with food. Rather, it’s an emotional hunger, a certain emptiness and unfulfillment — rooted in our emotional and psychological make-up. It could be hunger for comfort, attention, understanding, companionship, or simply Love.
It is “
an emotional longing for safe, nurturing connection, and for the satiation of abandonment,” as expressed by another psychotherapist,
Pete Walker, author of
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map For Recovering From Childhood Trauma, as well as
The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness Out of Blame.
It is no wonder that people resort to comfort food as well as drug and alcohol use when they are traumatised or depressed. These self destructive modes of behaviour can cause more episodes of vulnerability and self-loathing.
I actually do know multiple adults who consider their daily meals to be a source of security. If anything happens to their feeding time, they get disoriented and lose their temper almost like a child in tantrum, which often translates into physical discomfort. We knew it’s a psychological thing, but now one better understands its origin.
As you can probably notice, the ‘symptoms’— or characteristics more likely — are seemingly illusive. They could be brushed off as normal and natural adult life issues one faces in a relationship with an overreacting partner. And in a way they are. The trouble is, these characteristics can be hidden, which means healing may never take place as they will keep reoccurring.
The trick here with fear of abandonment is that oftentimes some or all the above transpire on the subconscious level, without the person realising that they are living their lives as a sort of reaction to that which had happened in the past. It simply keeps reoccurring as an unconscious pattern and it becomes their reality. Just like some of the people who commented on the PTSD article,
“They never put their finger on it”…until they read about it.
Another trick is that the initial trigger could be looked upon as
normal by the person. Consider the simple example of unplanned
“mistake children” who come later in life when the parents are busy and not present much. To the child, this is just one setting of a family in which they were born into. In some cases, they can seamlessly carry on with their lives, while in others this is how the fear of abandonment seed is first planted. This is when the self-defeating notions of
“I do not matter, I am not worthy”, and
“I am unimportant” begin to be instilled into their young minds
— messing with their self-esteem and self-confidence.
That said, it is useful for everyone to get acquainted with the topic.
A main reason why psychology, and learning about ourselves in general, are beneficial.
Another benefit of knowing enough psychology
is that
it becomes incredibly hard to get upset from anyone and almost
impossible to want to get back at them. Because, even if they had wronged you, you understand their reasons for doing whatever they do. In case of
conflict, the empathy and compassion actually compel you to be the
“bigger person”.
Still, it’s worth remembering that people are wired differently, therefore their reactions to traumas are unique. Again, some can brush off whatever happened to them and carry on leading rather
normal lives, even use it as a driving force to propel them forward; while others are not able to move past their experience of pain — whether they are conscious of it or not. And since we cannot grow without letting go, the latter group are bound to develop a psychological reaction, which negatively reflects on them and their future relationships. If the issues are not recognised and “dealt with,” their relationships are most likely bound to fail.
Some people cope with trauma by suppressing their emotional reaction to it. Either by thinking that it’s not a big deal; in this way, denying that there had been any pain or any feelings of insecurity or guilt they have had, despite the fear being ingrained in their psyche. Or, because they have blocked the pain for too long and therefore haven’t really had the chance to consciously think about it.
However, the fear of abandonment remains embedded in the subconscious. Once triggered — consciously or subconsciously — it causes emotional flashbacks that flood them with repressed feelings, ranging from mild anxiety to extreme panic.
Other sufferers will do everything in their power — often unconsciously — to push their partners away, sabotaging the relationship and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of abandonment. They tend to seek to reinforce the abandonment and prove themselves right about feeling unworthy of love and having low self-esteem. They can seriously become trapped in a self-imposed vicious circle.
Then there is another group who will seek relationships where they will play the role of the abandoner. In fact, some children with abandonment issues grow up rejecting a parent because they perceive that they have committed an unforgivable act against them. So by playing the role of the abandoner you get to feel better about having been abandoned when younger. The same as when the abused becomes the abuser.
Initially, most psychological issues and complexes adults suffer from stem from things which had happened to them in their past as children or teenagers — things they could not let go of. Fear of abandonment is caused by our attachment. And because the seed is usually rooted in youth, it brings upon all the painful memories of loss and detachment which one has gone though in their early life.
The pain caused by abandonment is a cumulative pain, and not just a one-time thing like, say, a car accident. Sometimes the source is not a single event, but the culmination of a series of behaviours throughout a period of time which finally breaks the parent-child bond.
As traumatised children grow up, they keep on replaying the pain in their head like a broken record, making it challenging to ever get a chance to forget it. Without proper healing, abandonment could be relatively hard to get over.
Eventually people with untreated abandonment issues can become defeated by the insecurities, rejections, and fear of loss — their own inner voice — leading to complex trauma and devastation. But it doesn’t have to be like that. Remember that it’s never too late to be a happy child.
If the abandonment was not by choice, due to death or other unforeseen reasons, then perhaps one should forgive their own self for treating it so badly during all this time. For self-love is the ultimate healer.
The following step then comes naturally: Drawing the line between the past and the present.
This is when the sufferer comes to understand that whatever transpired in the past has no control over the present, learning to live in the present Here and Now. This is when they can finally let go and true healing is accomplished.
It is worth noting that in psychotherapy as in Buddhism, there is no healing from any form of emotional baggage without these basic steps. Without them, the darkness tends to keep coming back, likely sabotaging their current and/or future relationships while ruining their lives.
Letting go is a recovery process. It may take days, weeks, sometimes even years, depending on the severity of the wound as well as what you do throughout this process.
One natural thing to do to restore your health and regain your peace of mind is meditation. Meditation is primarily about letting go of clinging and attachment as it is about cultivating awareness. Anyone can meditate, anywhere and anytime, too. It’s a tool to learn about your thoughts and emotions and how essentially they are fleeting; that there is no good reason to cling or to get attached to them. Awareness and observation remains key.
Meditation also keeps us in touch with that sacred space within us, teaching us a whole lot about ourselves.
Another way to help the healing process is through expressing ourselves. From suppression to expression, learning how to formulate our own story, our own narrative, remains essential. That’s why Art Therapy is a successful thing. Whether it’s writing, painting, drumming, or dancing, all forms of self-expression are therapeutic.
If you chose to write, do it freely. You don’t need to share your writing, or any other creation, with others if you do not wish. Just like reading about your pain can be healing, writing about it can have equal effects, if not better. Write about how you felt abandoned, or alone, or guilty.
All these are ways for you to get in touch with the wound of the inner child so that you mature and grow thicker skin.
Then one day, the trauma will be gone and the pain will dissipate. It will never vanish but will remain as a faint memory, possibly also as a lesson.
To conclude, all the hardship we experience in life makes us stronger. It is actually a healthy human experience. The pain and suffering add us with a new, and usually deeper, perspective on life, and on our overall existence. However, when the lesson is learned it is time to move on. Much like overthinking the future, dwelling on the past ― or on a specific incident ― never helps. Letting go on the other hand does.
When dealing with fear of abandonment, one must realise that the fear is rooted in the past and that it does not, and should not, control you or your relationships. Whether it’s therapy, meditation, or art, these mediums are through which the healing takes place. We finally learn to live in the present Here and Now. At the very end, only you can heal you. For we are our own victim and our own saviour; the rest are mere excuses.
After some time and practice, a distinction between the wounded, vulnerable child of the past and the strong, mature adult of the present is established.
It
is coupled with the realisation that we do have a choice. We can
finally then let go of the fear and pain while freeing ourselves from
their shackles. Now it’s time to embrace the reborn soul and lead it towards the Light.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
― Rumi
ALSO VIEW:
The Intertwining of Pain and Pleasure What Is Overcompensation? The Significance of Letting Go Codependency: What Being Addicted to Someone Means Why They Do It: A Look at Domestic Violence and Abusive Relationships
