Sunday, 17 February 2019

The Art of Approaching Women

The Art of Approaching Women by Omar Cherif, One Lucky Soul

I was at party recently where my eyes came across a marvellous blonde. We exchanged a few smiley eye contacts throughout the night until I finally found myself standing near her by the buffet. “Found myself” means it was based on a conscious decision while appearing that it just happened organically. I then said something about the grape leaves being served without the yoghurt/cucumber spread, which led to a bit of a chit-chat.

The woman was truly good looking as she was also friendly. Though as I came to find out, there was a reason for her openness and friendliness; and it’s because we’ve met three years prior at the same place on the Northern Coast of Egypt. It was only once but we did speak quite a bit, and I remember her saying she lived in Paris. Being both Egyptians residing abroad and visiting home, we kind of clicked.

Fastforward three years to that party night when, yet again, I asked her if she lives in Egypt and she said no, Paris. Along her first name, this was the key to the memory. Unlike loopy-headed me, apparently she remembered our earlier interaction, hence the friendly smiles and eye contacts.

We carried on chatting for a while before I said goodbye and left the party. When I reached the gate a voice in me head was like: “Is that it? Go connect with her. Three years... take it a sign, who knows. Keep your options open, Dude.” Alright, voice; we’ll do this. So I turned right around and went back in to where she was sitting.

Uhm, do you have Facebook or Instagram or something?” To which she replied she’s not on social media, at all.

That, too, I remembered. Because I did ask her the same three years ago and got the same answer. Though only when she said ‘No’ did I remember.

Well, I reached the door but turned around to come ask you,” I said — which now sounds like I was trying to make her feel guilty. Luckily, however, the radiant smile drawn upon her face as she took the phone out of her pocket didn’t spell “Ugh”.

I do have Whatsapp,” she exclaimed. Sure. I gave her both my numbers, the American and the Egyptian, and said goodbye again before leaving for real this time. 

The lovely blonde woman never reached out, and I don’t have her digits. So that was it, probably. But you know what? I’m a satisfied man. With the motto “Do what makes a good story”, it took me quite a long time to be open to such opportunities and to muster the strength to act upon my instinct without caring much about the outcome. Instead of spending my whole life thinking “What if?”, I taught myself how to listen to the voice — which may seem dangerous unless you first trust voice. Simply because other voices sometimes convince people to kill and rape among other nasty things. So yes, we must trust the voice(s) before acting upon what it says.

The Art of Approaching Women by Omar Cherif, One Lucky Soul
From right to left with Megan, Monique, Kaelin.
Initial caption read: Thank you Venice Beach for making me feel like a Rock God
Much like seduction, approaching women is an actual art. But before you attempt to seduce, you must first approach. Perhaps The Art of Seducing Women should follow this article as a sequel. Based on what will transpire in those first few moments, a chance to actually seduce may or may not offer itself. So it remains of importance to know how to properly approach. A reason why there is an abundance of books and articles about just that. One of which is a book with the same title as this article Alpha Male: The Art Of Approaching Women by James Marcus. Another, which a friend suggested after reading mine is Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson.

Why all these instructions and how-tos?, one may wonder.

Well honestly, it’s because a significant number of men don’t know how to practice this art. While some are naturally shy, others lack experience. Though for many, it seems to be a certain degree of both. This combination renders them nervous and makes them feel intimidated, leaving them with nothing to say whenever standing there. That is, if they proceed to approach the woman they have in mind. Though more often than not, their low self confidence convinces them that being rejected isn’t worth it; already implying, even if subconsciously, that they will get rejected. So they don’t venture out of their comfort zones and end up losing the opportunity. Time after time after time, building more and more frustrations in the process.

To deal with the accumulated frustration, those same men will oftentimes find elaborate excuses to justify their lack of courage. Even worse, when and if rejected, they could start talking ill of the woman behind her back. “Oh, she turned out to be a lesbian”, or “she’s a coke head”. I’ve heard these myself. True story.

For some of the men who do approach and talk to women, it’s challenging not to appear like horndogs or total knobheads when around them. Let alone chat them up or make them smile or laugh in that first 30 seconds of the encounter.

Fortunately for humanity — and for the survival of our gene pool — just like any and all art forms there are some men who excel at it. But also since it’s art, there is always a chance to improve. While some guys may be born a tad more charming or with a developed wit gene, there is still a lot to be learned along the way through none other than life experience.

Back to my example, in numbers, out of ten approaches such as the above maybe eight do reach out. Then out of those eight, maybe seven end up with us being connected online, leaving the last one for that one-time message or call before we disappear from each other’s lives. Note that, unlike what some may think, and unlike what most of the how-to books and articles focus on, I don’t approach women with “dating” or “having sex” in mind. But rather, just to connect — for a start. Truly, out of the seven with whom I connect there is probably a real attraction from my part towards only one or two. With the rest we simply become connected. 

The Art of Approaching Women by Omar Cherif, One Lucky Soul
We all smile in the same language

Then why do you go talk to women?” [if getting them in your bed is not your sole motivational force] I was asked multiple times during various guy talks.

Well, it depends. But there are more than one reason.

Sometimes just to share a compliment. Because I hold that if we see something beautiful in or on someone, we should let them know.

Thing is, once the distinction between Love and attachment is made clear, you’ll reckon that it is rather natural to admire without desire; to find some people attractive without actually ‘liking’ or “falling in love” with them. The appeal could very well be only for the eyes, and it doesn’t have to be for the mind or heart as well. That said, in such cases usually it’s totally spontaneous — occurring on the subconscious level. Meaning, I almost don’t think about whatever my mouth ends up uttering. But frequently, I get a smile in return, which is the best way to start a conversation with a woman.

Speaking of, I’ve learned through the years that complimenting a woman works best if you get specific; such as nails, eye-colour, hair, or boots. It’s much more authentic as it shows that you have noticed said unique feature, implying that you have been attentive to her. It also doesn’t really fall under blatant “picking/chatting up” compared to a general cliché like “You’re so beautiful/sexy” used by those who, perhaps, lack a decent vocabulary and are not creative enough to think of juicier alternatives. 
After all, it seems that if a “playboy” is to resume the same lifestyle into adulthood, then he should evolve as he undergoes a metamorphosis into a more mature “ladies’ man”.   

In some cases, however, the females receiving the compliments take it as a sign that you actually fancy them when you don’t. Perhaps because this is what they got used to from pushy and non-pushy guys alike. So occasionally I may not get the smile or the “thank you” I usually get; probably because they think I’m trying to pick them up. But I absolutely don’t care since I never expect anything in return.

Obviously, before making The move we have to consider where we are in the world and in which culture complimenting women in the street is acceptable. In sunny Venice Beach for instance, “Stunning dress” or “I love your hat” may very well be a successful conversation starter with a stranger; the same in Southern France and Italy. In Sycamore, Illinois, it’s not likely to happen. In El Minya in Upper Egypt, simple flattering remarks such as these would probably get you in trouble. “Context”, then, is something to remember before complimenting strangers. 

The Art of Approaching Women by Omar Cherif, One Lucky Soul
It is no wonder that “Heaven” is usually depicted as somewhere full of beautiful women

Another reason I make the effort to go talk to someone I have never met before is to connect with possible like-minded souls — to find the Others. In actuality, I rarely, if ever, ask women for a date or give out my phone number whenever first approaching them. This excludes our example here when they’re not on social media and live in another country. Instead, I tell them I’m a writer/photographer/drummer and about One Lucky Soul, on Facebook as well as the Blog, and let them reach me if they wish.

As such, there is no pressure or awkwardness. But on the contrary, I simply throw the ball in their court and forget about it. If I actually fancy them I will playfully ‘court’ them by doing just that, not chase them. What comes next depends on the response. If they are interested, it will show. Simple. 
By reading the situation in such a way I save myself lots of time, effort, energy.... and avoidable rejections. 

Throughout the same past years, I further came to notice that whenever asked by strangers about what I did for life and [back in the days] said a sales manager I was rarely asked what I sold. Now when I say “a writer” I’m often asked what I write about, and overall they seem more interested.


Again, in Venice Beach, and particularly at the Venice Beach Drum Circle, my element, I devised a brilliant way to speak to certain women: After walking up to them to say hello or to ask if they are enjoying it, I invite them to Full Lunacy: The monthly Full Moon drum circle my friends and I organise at Dockweiler Beach in Los Angeles — hosted by One Lucky Soul.

The reason it usually works is because if they appear to be having a good time in Venice, it is likely they will enjoy the cosier, more private circle around the fire under the full moon. And those who make it do enjoy it; many of whom actually happen to have a blast and keep coming back. One cannot offer the same invitation to a woman they first meet at a Death Metal concert and expect she’ll be delighted. So, again, “context” remains crucial when making your move.

As mentioned, this way they have time — and freedom — to check me out online, view videos from past events, and decide for themselves if they would like to get to see me again, know me better, and/or stay in touch. On top of the safety such outdoor beach gatherings offer, it is far from any sleazy or horny chat-up lines intended to ask them out on a date. Still, I am inviting them to an event I am personally hosting, showing that I do want to see them again, though coolly rather than pushily.    

Leaving them with the invitation is also a great way to end your first interaction. Things like: “I’d love to see you there.” “If you like this, then you’ll really enjoy Full Lunacy”. “Bring your friends”. “Check out the details on the event page on Facebook.” I smile then leave. The more you practice this art, the more it will come out naturally, the better you’ll be at it. Editing out stuff each time, adding a pun here, linking this with that. Just like a piece of writing or a tableau you’ve been working on for a while and close to perfecting, it just happens. 

*Throws ball

The Art of Approaching Women by Omar Cherif, One Lucky Soul
A genuinely natural smile is one of the most beautiful features a woman could possess

Nowadays, social media profiling seems to be imperative when meeting new people. It makes a huge difference as it makes the process much easier and faster. Not just in the dating world, but with people in general. Personally, it is one of three options: My type — as I like what I see and curious and interested to know more, which doesn’t happen too often since it still remains a shallow and superficial way to; or someone new to add to our circle of friends and acquaintances, or rarely, I don’t want anything to do with this person. Simple, for the person you just met and for oneself.

Connecting, after all, is one of the benefits of social media. In the book I am currently reading, The Business of Being a Writer, Jane Friedman shares that social media is a relationship builder. Indeed. When I founded One Lucky Soul, the blog and community, and began communicating with readers, little did I know that such new bonds can one day outgrow virtuality and materialise in the real world. Through the past few years, I have made plenty of connections with people scattered around the globe. In fact, I have bonded with some through the Internet like I haven’t with real friends. I also came to meet — in real life — new like-minded souls via that same wonderful medium. I did find the Others while the Others found me.

Looking back to a mere 25 years ago when I was a teenager, things have notoriously changed when it comes to communication. We had to exchange home phone numbers with girls and end up calling and having the dad answer; or them calling and my dad answers, which was fine in my house, but I’m sure for them it was different story.

Having said that, it prompted me to once write: The new generations will never experience the thrill of calling your crush at home and having the dad answer. Now the Internet is changing the very essence of the way we communicate, leading to closer connections.

Another thing I recall is sending handwritten letters to my aunt in Los Angeles, which took from two to three weeks to reach her. Seriously. Something I remember these days every time I click on a few buttons to connect with her through WhatsApp. 

Back to women... most of my approaches those past four years ended with friendship. Again, I approach them as individuals, persons, or even souls, rather than “bitchez”, “pussies”, or “potential shags”. Communication, for me, is what leads to real intimacy, not sex. Because if truthful, it leads to seeing the naked soul of the other person while gently exposing yours; beyond the mask we all tend to wear; the unedited version.

This nakedness is the ultimate seduction. For it allows us to share how we experience the world with someone else on a much deeper level. Hence, calling approaching women — and seducing them — an art.  So this is where I start. If we do connect and she seduces my mind, dating and/or sex may or may not follow. Yet it seems that it will always be better than if we had started with the physical — a nugget of truth which makes more sense the more one matures.

Further, I stopped following my penis brain a while back. That is besides being selective when it comes to sharing my energy and time. Therefore, only about one case out of 10 results in something more than mere flirting. This ranges from simple make out to full-time sex. 

So to answer the repetitive question I’m often asked by guys, we can say that I approach women to find more like-minded souls, possibly enlarging the One Lucky Soul circle. Needless to say, also because I love women. And it has little to do with sexuality, and whole lot to do with openness, truthfulness, communication, companionship, and the naked soul.   

On a parallel note, Why I Choose to Remain a Non-Dad for Now — Reflections on Being ChildlessWhen Choosy Men Reject Women, and Things I Miss From Being in a Relationship are earlier reflective pieces dealing with the topic from many different angles.

The Art of Approaching Women by Omar Cherif, One Lucky Soul
Bam! At least they’re being creative here.

Now, if you happen to be a part of the significant number of males who don’t know how to talk to women, especially if you just met, reckon that there are ways to fix it.

Something to note is that the more we build confidence and work on our communication/conversation skills, the more open we become, the more approaching strangers — women as well as men — comes natural to us without any tension or nervousness. 

You see, one thing to remember when you, a male, find yourself in such a situation: The woman may very well be just as shy as you, perhaps even more. So as you gather the courage to go speak to her, do not think you’re all alone then and there as both of you are part of the dance. And it does take two to Tango.

More to remember is to make eye contact as you speak to them, which with enough confidence shouldn’t be a problem.

In case of complementing them, be as unique as possible. Use interesting, descriptive language while staying away from repetitive clichés. 

Lastly, don’t take yourself, or the situation, too seriously. For humour remains our best ally. Though staying away from corny and cheesy pick-up lines is probably a good idea; because women of the world have yawned themselves to sleep over them and those who use them.

If serious about acquiring or mastering these conversation skills, one can skim through Google to learn more. Yep. Simply type How to Improve/master your conversation skills and there you’ll have it. I won’t add any links herein because they are too many. Nevertheless, nothing beats experience; for it is the real Guru. So after reading on, don’t be shy to apply the knowledge you have gathered along the way. Time to have fun. Good Luck! But do tell me first: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

As we have seen, approaching women is an art — just like seducing them. But it may be even more important. Simply because without a proper approach, there wouldn’t be any chance, or time, for seduction. The more we practice, as the higher the number of trials, the higher our chances of succeeding. Possibilities and Probabilities, Baby. Apart from self-confidence, one key to success goes back to not caring about the response, as not to take it personal in case rejected. That’s in addition to being reasonable about who we approach. 

Most women are intuitive by nature, allowing them to be able to tell from the guys’ vibes whenever the latter proceed to make their move. When they sense they are being treated charmingly and respectfully the chances of not being rejected, even of being successful, increase exponentially. Add to that a tad bit of humour and you’re set. Whatever transpires, this way you will not spend your life regretting that you chickened out and lost a certain opportunity. Also, this way you will end up with lots and lots of fun stories to share.

Find The Others. I will end this article by quoting Timothy Leary in the following excerpt from his famous quote: “Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find The Others.” Do it.

The Art of Approaching Women by Omar Cherif, One Lucky Soul

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