Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Punda Bear

  • A girl in the Playboy Mansion in Czechoslovakia is called a checkmate.
  • The cannibal who likes to meat people was late for dinner. He got the cold shoulder.
  • Dijon vu: same mustard as before.
  • I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have any, so I got a cake.
  • Ninety eight percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
  • I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
  • My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
  • A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
  • When the actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
  • One night as he was wondering if there really is a dog, the dyslexic atheist walks into bra. He had already joined D.N.A., which stands for National Dyslexics Association — their motto was “Dyslexics Untie!”. The man eventually sold his soul to Santa, became a pimp and bought a warehouse.
  • Energizer Bunny arrested — charged with battery.
  • A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
  • The Mexican firefighter had Siamese twins, he named them Hose A and Hose B.
  • A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door!"
  • In some places fog will never be mist.
  • When a plant gets hungry it has a light snack. When a clock gets hungry it goes back four seconds. 

  • Two peanuts were walking in a bad neighborhood; one of them was a-salted.
  • I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.
  • Saudi Arabia is free of mental illness because there are nomad people there.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • A bicycle cannot stand because it's two-tired.
  • I sent 10 samples to the local pun competition. Too bad, no pun in ten did.
  • The guy whose whole left side was cut off is all right now.
  • The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  • When the grape was stepped on it let out a little whine.
  • The difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle is a tire.

  •  I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter "'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite."
  • Oman! Iran for miles this morning, then Iraq even more in the afternoon. So what happened India end? Well, Guam, Kenya tell me if you ate Chile dipped in Greece before you Sweden your coffee? Chad is my Niger, so we had Togo somewhere for Seoul food. This status is A-frican nightmare, so I'll Thai it up by saying that Samoa of this would be very Syria-s. I Haiti to break it to you, but I'm nothing Budapest.
  • I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup with me and say that being vegetarian is really a missed steak. I always thought that I didn’t meat the standards to be a vegetarian. I just didn’t have beef with the idea. I’m soy sorry.

  • I never thought I'd hear myself say that I went to a hearing aid center for some sound advice.
  • Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
  • Crazy people lost in a forest end up by taking the psycho path.
  • The only kind of fun the priest has is nun.
  • I dropped out of my communism class because of lousy Marx. But I nailed my wood-shop test.
  • Sir Lancelot had a knightmare where he found himself becoming Sircumference after eating too much PI.
  • People who jump from bridges in France end up in Seine.
  • When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
  • If you're in Jamaica and download a movie about proteins, you're a pirate of the Caribbean.
  • Cannibals' favorite game is 'swallow the leader.' So when they ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
  • A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.
  • Writing with a broken pencil was pointless. The timid writer only needed inkouragement.
  • Do you carrot all for me?
    My heart beets for you,
    With your turnip nose
    And your radish face,
    You are a peach.
    If we cantaloupe,
    Lettuce marry;
    Weed make a swell pear.
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