Showing posts with label Sociology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sociology. Show all posts

Thursday, 30 June 2016

Why I Choose to Remain a Non-Dad for Now — Reflections on Being Childless



Why I Choose to Remain a Non-Dad for Now — Reflections on Being Childless by Omar Cherif, One Lucky Soul

During my last year’s trip to Egypt I happened to meet the three children of a close buddy. We were by the beach on the North Coast and he had to leave the two elder ones, a girl and a boy, with me for about 40 minutes by the time he got something done. This was a quite an experience. Not because they are 13 and 8 or because I haven’t met the older versions of them before. But because here I was hanging out with my friend’s offspring, alone.

After a few hours spent swimming in the gorgeous Mediterranean sapphire sea and sharing lots of fun stuff with the kids, at some point his middle son looked at me and genuinely said: “You’re like an old man.”



Huh. “Well I AM an old man, li’l fella,” I replied. Even though I’m two years younger than his father, but with much more white on my beard and hair.


By the time we all later went to have dinner, I had already bonded with the kids, especially the two older ones. I was truly enjoying the company of this lovely family. At the end of the night, my friend somewhat apologetically was like: 

“With the kids and all, this must be a little too much for you.



I said not too much, but certainly different than my quiet, self-induced solitary life.


Plagued by a philosophical mind, such experiences sure makes one think about topics like life, time, change, the magical beauty of being a child, and, having children — or not. 




Later on that same trip, I met another best friend who had some shocking news for me. By complete chance it was discovered that he had a tumour on his kidney. When he got it removed and it was analysed they found out it was cancerous. Fortunately, because it was discovered early on, he healed and it shouldn’t be growing back. 



He told me: “Imagine I’m a normal guy with a wife, a kid, and a newborn, and in a matter of few days I’m a cancer survivor! It truly changes the way you look at life. I used to have a hectic job and I worried too much. Now I want to enjoy what I’m doing; now I know that life can be so fleeting.” 



Knowing that he had the cleanest past of all of us, the only thing I was capable of saying was that for some, these moments of awakening take years to manifest, while for others it may be a single incident that forever transforms their lives.

Me Brotherman did change jobs and is currently leading a more chilled existence. Ironically, it is through the tests he had to take for his new job that the tumour was detected. 


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Fast-forwarding to a couple of days ago in Los Angeles when I reunited with my nephew, Hisham. I had only seen him briefly about two and half years ago, and before that perhaps it’s been six or seven years. Hisham was like a brother and an early teenage accomplice. He’s visiting with his mom, wifey, the two kids, plus a third creation who was just born here in California. 



We spoke on the phone before they passed by at around 2 pm and we went to Santa Monica then back to Venice Beach. This was the first time him and I are together on the Boardwalk since 1996.



Being Sunday, I had the intention of going to the Drum Circle later, but the reunion was so pleasurable that I had no problem to skip it. After a long walk across the Boardwalk, we took the mom and the kids to Abbott Kinney and went to have an early seafood dinner in Santa Monica. Afterwards, we passed by them and headed to their rental house in Mar Vista, which happens to be about four minutes by bike from my place. 



I stayed a couple of hours there with the family, sitting on the couch, having tea, taking photos of the baby, catching up and talking about all sort of things. Then at some point my nephew said:



Of course this [the kids, the commotion, the ball, the cartoons on the TV] is very loud and unusual to you.



I said, it is. But I love kids, all kids actually. I just don’t feel like having my own — for now at least.

The next morning, I couldn’t help but once again reflect on the same existential topics: Life, time, change, the magical beauty of being a child, and children. 



The thing with such encounters is that being buddies for such a long time, relating to them or even pondering their lives
— and mine — comes naturally. More or less, I’ve only had six or seven close friends who have been around for at least 20 years, including the three mentioned above. All of them currently got a kid or three; the same goes for more than 85 percent of my cousins.

The next weekend the whole family came with me to the Drum Circle. Being
in my element, I loved having them and introduced them to the whole gang. It certainly was something to see for the sweet Kiddos. The featured photo is from that day. This specific capture actually made me later think that I would make a kool dad... if I wanted to.

Why I Choose to Remain a Non-Dad for Now — Reflections on Being Childless by Omar Cherif, One Lucky Soul
Reuniting with papa Hisham on the Boardwalk... 20 years later


Now to the actual reflections.

I hold that if I were leading a different kind of life, like ones most people I grew up with ended up leading, I would have most probably had kids by this age of 38. And by different I mean for instance, my father had some kind of business which I took over.


Another situation would be if I had stayed in the demanding corporate jobs I’ve held for ten years. If I work for all this time for about 10 hours a day, I would like to come back home to find a partner, maybe also a kid or two; even more so if I wasn’t too passionate about what I’m doing
which was the reality in my case — because I’ll be needing a relief, some kind of mental distraction. 

The thing with living in countries like Egypt is that society is still fixated on marriage and children, where they are equated with happiness and fulfilment. The idea of not getting married and not having children is not widely understood.

 And I
m repeatedly reminded by that mentality whenever I have a chit-chat with a cab driver, or with the guy who works at the Egyptian consulate in L.A who renewed my passport, or my ex-nanny of 35 years whos still with the family and whos currently taking care of my 93-year-old grandmother.

In the lower socioeconomic classes, starting a family is a sort of moral obligation and a sign of success in life. For a man to show that he can have his own offspring means that he’s a real man, even if it’s not financially feasible for him or for the rest of his family.


For Arab women, usually there is not much freedom of choice. They leave the parent
s home directly to their new home with their husband. Children are often seen as the surest way to keep the husband from running away or to keep the marriage alive.

In case of divorce, the norm is that the woman goes back to the family house.
These patriarchal ideologies allow men to divorce their wives if they cannot conceive. In certain countries in this day and age, it is legal to do so through phone calls, text messages, or e-mails!

As to the possibility for females to remain single and/or childless well into adulthood, this may be seen as a revolutionary act which is usually frowned upon; let alone living by themselves. Though divorcees and widows are in a slightly better category when it comes to being judged, probably due to feelings of empathy towards them and their children, if there are any.

This is how atavistic societies look at those who dare to go against the established norms. 


Generally speaking, being poor and uneducated makes people careless to avoid early pregnancies. And women who start having kids earlier on tend to have more kids. Without proper planning, it also makes people get married and raise families for the wrong reasons. 
 
Sex is another major component in the equation. In the Arab world, most young people do not freely engage in premarital sex, due to culture and religion and so forth. Neither do they have their own places or privacy. So in addition to the social, religious, culture, and biological pressures, by their early twenties, the only way to have sex as well as gain their own independence is through marriage. Various psychosocial problems are ought to follow, which can
naturally lead to divorce.


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When I left Egypt and the Old World, I found more people like myself; people not fixated on the conventional life. So I felt at home, though much more in Venice Beach than in Toronto.
And I believe this progressive mindset is being adopted by more people nowadays.

Studies are now actually showing that the birth-rates in the U.S are the lowest in recorded American history. Despite the fact that single parents with no income get significant welfare and benefits, but the rate of women who remain childless has doubled from 10 to 20 percent since the 1970s. 

Bret, my previous 45-year-old bungalow-mate, is one of those I have spoken to about the subject who have no intention or even desire to have children. He shared:
The word is overpopulated and full of orphans, if my true intention were to give a child a good life, I would adopt a child and wouldn’t care about passing on my own name, blood, or genes.

I like the way he thinks and truly respect it.


See, when people lead happy, fulfilled lives they are less likely to go look for happiness elsewhere — be it in partners or children. However, we find that a significant number of people tend to derive their sense of happiness through their offspring. They consider their children to be some sort of achievement to be proud of. In such a way, the novelty adds some excitement to their rather uneventful lives. 



The above certainly does not mean that all parents do this or that they are all essentially unhappy. Some of my friends, acquaintances, and family members are a living proof; and I sincerely reckon they wouldn’t have it any other way,
perhaps minus the occasional unplanned pregnancy.

But the truth remains, marriage and having children are no walk in the park, especially these days.
For certain adults, it can be one legit burden, which eventually leads to unhappiness; some simply become good at pretending that theyre happy. Despite this, if you ask around they will probably tell you that its all worth it.
 

It is of significance to note that my subjects/friends here are considered an educated minority who are living relatively good lives and are not the average.




My own interpretation of the life I chose is that perhaps because I’m deeply connected to the child within me, I don’t feel a need to bring other children into this world. Especially that I’m currently living on the edge and insisting on following my sought-out dream.



Another issue which seems to be a problem for many people who procreate is the fear of being alone. When my uncle and aunt talk about marriage, they often say: One day when you’re old and alone and your knees will hurt, you’ll need to have a wife and kids to help you out.



Well, if that were the case, yes of course I’d love to have people around me if I got sick. But that doesn’t mean I fill my mind with such fear-based ideas and go search for a “family” to create in order to keep me company until that day comes, or not, in the future. 

The reality is, people project their own fears and insecurities on others all the times — often out of concern as it usually happens on the subconscious level. When discussing the above with my close friends I sometimes jovially say that, Mayhap my aunt and uncle are confusing the wife and family combo with a nurse.
Being who I am,
nevertheless, I still love my solitude and I’m certainly not afraid of being alone.   



Why I Choose to Remain a Non-Dad for Now — Reflections on Being Childless by Omar Cherif, One Lucky Soul
Skuncle Omar teaching kids to be Jesus for the day


These reflections further lead me to a philosophical question which cannot be avoided when contemplating the topic: Would it be a worthy endeavour to bring a child into the world we’re living in, knowing that it
s full of absurdities and uncertainties?



I’m thoroughly fine with the uncertainties I have chosen to live through. But when I ejaculate a baby into being, in a way, I am voluntarily allowing them to go through a certain degree of suffering due to the fact that they will get a taste of the absurdities and uncertainties. 

I
am, after all, a co-creator and a big part of the process, which is based on my own choice.

Along these lines,
with choice comes responsibility. As good, mature parents should be aware, it is our responsibility to give our children happy, healthy lives. Parents are their children’s first and most important teachers. This means consistently putting them first. If am not capable of offering adequate care and attention to my children, I am jeopardising their lives and entire future. As for myself, I may also end up feeling frustrated and unaccomplished because of todays high expectations surrounding parenting.

Then again, the absurdities and uncertainties, even the suffering, seem to be integral parts of life and the human condition; they will never vanish. 

So I guess reproducing will always remain a gamble. Still, one must be honest regarding their desire to play along.


I know myself quite well and I cannot accept to bear such a responsibility when I
m not ready. It would simply be wrong, even immoral. Neither can I abandon my child later or leave him or her to their mom and just keep living my life, as some Greek Uber driver once told.


“Just bring the child and it is the mother who usually raise them. I was like you, roaming around and living my life, but everything changed when I had my two children.” 



Well, good for you. And I
m sure your life did change. But why go there in the first place if thats how one looks at it? Not an appealing option if you ask me.

This reminds of another
advice’ I once received from some coworker when I was in my late 20s. At this age, you need to do something. Get married, then you can get divorced. Or have a child. Just do anything.

Uhhm.
No thank you.

Having a child just to add another replica of yourself to this Pale Blue Dot, or to abide to the conventional norms and be like everyone else, or so you can dress him in your favourite team’s jersey then go around telling people how much you
re proud of him because he just happens to be cheering for the same team, or just for the hell of it, is a selfish act.

Amusingly, voluntary childlessness is often portrayed as being selfish. For me, though, it remains a conscious and rational decision. This keeps me open to all possibilities as well as prevents me from having an obsession about not having children.
Biologically speaking, I still got time and I can certainly change my mind one of these days.


— ☙ ❊ ❧ —— ☙ ❊ ❧ —— ☙ ❊ ❧ —— ☙ ❊ ❧ —


An additional thing I have learned from these interesting reunions with my buddies is that Egyptian parents can now end up paying about L.E 230,000 per year to put three kids in a decent

“local school. That’s almost a staggering quarter of a million Egyptian Pounds ($25K). And those are not the most expensive schools; others charge L.E 100, 000 per kid ($10K).

You know I have lived 32 years of my life in Egypt and went to the American University in the 90s where the fees where paid in U.S dollars. But these are kids and those digits are utterly pricey.

 The only way to survive is to be making a lot more than that kind of money. And when you think of the current murky, unstable political and economical situation in the country, one must naturally wonder what kind of job or business would be enough to pay for all that. 




But the fact of the matter is, I did not take over my father
s business, neither did I keep the unfulfilling jobs. What I did, however, is that I have left it all behind and chosen to lead a different kind of life; a life inspired by dreams, visions, growth, novelty, arts, adventures... and uncertainty. Currently I simply see myself as a psychonaut who’s mid-writing his first non-fiction book.

My last partner couldn’t really understand my philosophy. She couldn
t relate to how I can lock myself in for days at a time because I’m working on a new piece. She thought there was something wrong with this behaviour and kept feeling rejected. A true partner, however, should be willing to share your dream; they cannot and should not be forced.

As follows, it is thus safe to say that adding a child to such a Bohemian, nomadic lifestyle would be unfair:
For the child, for his mother, and for myself.


Procreating, Ladies and Gentlemen, requires sincere time, effort, dedication, and money. Unless you are willing to sacrifice these things and unless the desire stems from the heart — not because of society, religion, parents, biological clock — you don
’t have to get yourselves into that holy matrimony. Do not feel obliged or pressured to do it, and know that there are other alternatives, lifestyles, and reality tunnels. 

True happiness, you see, is a mindset which essentially stems from within. Getting married and having children and watching them grow could be a sensational experience. It is one of the wonders of life, through which humans spread and propagate their existence.

Though it is
not for everyone and it is certainly not a need as its still widely perceived in some parts of the world. We do not need a partner or children to be happy or to feel whole, remember that. Equally remember that life is fleeting; in one moment it could all be gone. Use your time wisely, my Brethren. 

As Hisham and I agreed yesterday, if we don’t want kids then perhaps there is no point in getting married. That may be one solid truth. We can be in relationships with others without having to get the approval of a legal or religious authority. We are mature adults and we do not need an entity to watch over us and invade our affairs. That’s how I essentially see it. You know I
m rad like that. 
 
At the end, we can only say that people are doing what they can from their own level of consciousness — their own level of understanding. Each of us has his own journey and mountain top ahead. Indeed, happiness and fulfilment mean different things to different people. This entails that our journeys and mountain tops are also different; this is the beauty of our uniqueness.


Just like most people are adding to the gene pool by reproducing, we do need childless children who are keen on adding chlorine into the pool instead of diving right in it. For now, I
choose to be one of those volunteers who sacrifice themselves for the collective good of mankind.

Looking forwards to more existential encounters with my buddies
’ kiddos.


Childlessly Yours,

Skuncle O


Why I Choose to Remain a Non-Dad for Now — Reflections on Being Childless by Omar Cherif, One Lucky Soul
Gettyfied at the Getty Villa with an Ocean view




 
 
 
 



















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Sunday, 26 February 2012

Women Power



Women Power by Omar Cherif, One Lucky Soul

Growing up in Egypt I always wondered how fair it is that when a young man has his fun, he is considered cool and it counts as experience but when the female does the same or less, she is labelled easy or worse while risking being a victim of shame. I was glad to be a male in this sexist society because the freedom I enjoyed could never be compared to what my sister or female friends were allowed to have. This granted lifestyle reflected directly on my personality and it’s only natural to think that theirs also reflected on their own personalities, maybe even more directly.



The Issues



Among most of the educated elite minority, parents often worry about what will the doorman think when their 20-something year old daughter comes home after midnight. A girl will only move out from her parent’s house after marriage and many choose to make that important decision at a relatively immature age and for the obvious wrong reasons; wanting their independent lives and/or falsely assuming that the first candidate will be the father of their future children. Understandably, divorce and other psychosocial problems usually follow as natural consequences.

As for the lower socioeconomic classes, the average girls are expected to wear the veil by the time they reach puberty and sometimes even earlier and the natural right to interact with the opposite sex becomes a senseless religious taboo. Among Christians who represent 10% of the population, some women choose to cover their hair in public out of tradition for the elders or out of fear of harassment for the youngsters. They represent the segregated minority within the minority and many have faith that the church is their only safe haven.

With trying to fit in the angelic image usually portrayed by parents, religion, society or in most cases all of them combined, I can only imagine the constant pressure building up on Egyptian girls’ shoulders as they grow up. Most of them lead suppressed discriminated lives, trying to neglect the surrounding indoctrinated male chauvinism and all the quagmire of frustrations and insecurities that must drag along. Marrying and mating become their reason of living and the ultimate worldly salvation.


In all male-dominant societies throughout the region, the average man considers women as second grade citizens, ignoring the fact that mothers, sisters, wives and daughters are also women. I believe that a mix of misunderstood religious dogmas and lack of education have led to this irrational ideology over hundreds of years. Some of today’s openly misogynist Salafeyya sheikhs, whose origin is the intolerant branch of Islam the Saudi Wahhabism, often brag and preach on live television about how women have “missing brains” and how they are not “fit” to assume significant roles in life. However, true Islam never demeaned women but considered them equal partners who should be respected and gently taken care of.

In Saudi Arabia for example, alcohol and mixing of the sexes are illegal but they have one of the highest rates in rape and sexual harassment and drinking in private is the common norm. Fortunately, Egypt has always been a moderately religious nation but the society didn’t escape its fair share of hypocrisy. For the young adults who dare to experiment with premarital relationships, many do so in secrecy. Lying, pretending and faking become ways of survival in this highly judgmental society.

I believe that the majority remaining singles until the hard-to-attain marriage is a main cause of the many frustrations seen between people in the streets. Many lack the emotional intelligence needed to peacefully interact and get along, but we can never blame them for the mistakes of their greedy and selfish oppressors.



She Said



After more than one year since January 25th and in the midst of an incomplete but ongoing revolution, I often question how this blowing wind of change will affect the women of Egypt and how are they going to be remembered in history and -herstory- this time. Hoping to get a better understanding on this controversial issue, I asked a few young educated Egyptian women their opinions about how they relate with what’s going and how do they see things from their own eyes. I planned to paraphrase and reword but then realized that I wouldn’t be as eloquent or elaborate as their own personalized accounts, so I will quote them as they are, each depicting different aspects of their Egyptian womanhood.


S.F, a 30 year old working woman said:

"Looking at the meagre showing of women in parliament, and the oppressive discourse and treatment of women both by the military council and Egypt's Islamists -from dragging and stripping female protesters (army) to raiding media with announcements of how Egyptian women and female tourists should be clothed (Islamists) - it's easy to fall into pessimism over the status of Egyptian women post-uprising. But the women's march in December against the army's treatment of female protesters really renewed my hope and optimism. It made me realize that although at the political level Egyptian women may be marginalized, at a sociological level the revolution has shaped their consciousness and awareness and empowered them to say "No." Women from all walks of life and of all ideologies were integral to the Egyptian revolution, they defied the more traditional notions of women's place in the public arena, and they took to the streets to demonstrate, with some even camping out in Tahrir square. I think this is very reassuring for women's standing in Egypt, more than most people would assume."


The 32 year old B.H explained:

I have no issues walking alone in the streets of Cairo after the revolution, I'm probably just more annoyed than anything else at the chaos. Men do look and they will always look, why would they stop? It's not like their circumstances changed, or their mentalities progressed overnight, or the culture was suddenly altered after Jan 25. Something like this needs years and years of weeding out - through education, sexual education, less sexual frustration, understanding freedom and personal space etc…. . I think there's actually more harassment today probably due to people feeling they are now falsely “free" and that this means they can say and do what they want when they want regardless of the impact on others. Also, due to lack of police security these days, there is less control and therefore more "freedom.”


M.R, a 25 year old Egyptian living in Canada said:

I used to work in poor areas of Alexandria where I had to wear the Abaya (Jilbab) and veil to be accepted by this society. I cannot even begin to describe what the women there have to deal with on daily basis as they try to fit in that male-dominant society and protect themselves from all the potential dangers facing them. Many sacrifice this life for God, not by ignorance but by genuine belief that their feminine side -hair, curves and looks- should be covered to go to heaven. With this desperately poor life they lead on earth, they will do everything they can to be promised better circumstances in the afterlife. I feel it’s our duty to protect these women against all this hardship they are facing. From the experiences I shared, I look up to them and feel proud of these Egyptian women.


Y.N, a 31 year old Living in Canada said:

“The revolution slogan everyone was chanting was: “Bread, Freedom, Social justice” and If you support a woman's freedom of choice, and I personally do and I defend it just as hard as I defend my choice to willingly wear the veil, you should do so unconditionally, even if wearing the veil or the Niquab is not to your liking. Tolerance is not easy, especially in the Arab world, but it’s one of the greatest gifts you can give or receive.”


N.H, a young Egyptian woman living in Canada writing on her pro-revolution blog:

As a female who grew up and lived most of her life in the Middle East, they programmed our minds with beliefs such as: We should be protected, covered head to toe and dressed respectfully. How religion treats, protects and respects women and how you should keep your virginity till you get married as it shows that you’re a respectable conservative religious female to keep the family “honour” intact! Women are bred to start families and raise kids and it’s Ok if they worked too due to the economic situation; so they work, raise kids AND become wives. The way we were taught to deal with our body became associated with respect/disrespect, honor/dishonor, humiliation/abuse, reputation and it defines who we are.”




Eternal Flame




Women`s rights were first highlighted in the western society with the 1st wave of the feminist movement between the 18th and early 20th century. The modernist author Virginia Woolf described in her book A Room of One’s Own how men socially and psychically dominate women and how they are “simultaneously victims of themselves as well as victims of men and are upholders of society by acting as mirrors to men".

In Britain, the Suffragettes campaigned for the women's vote, which was eventually granted − to some women in 1918 and to all in 1928 and the crucial part played by British women during the First World War was fuelled by efforts of the Suffragists.

In Egypt, The fearless Hoda Shaarawi helped organize the largest women's anti-British demonstration in 1919. As my grandmother would reminisce, this was a time when women were confined to harems and hidden behind face veils. A few years later, Shaarawi founded and became the 1st president of the Egyptian Feminist Union and she took off her veil in public for the first time as a sign of defiance in one signal event in the history of Egyptian feminism. Safeya Zaghloul, the wife of the distinguished leader Saad Zaghloul Pasha was also a renowned active feminist by then and was already involved in politics.

One of today’s outspoken female advocates, the Egyptian American author Mona El Tahawy, Tweeted recently: “It takes optimism to launch revolutions, to believe that you can end decades of dictatorship and that you deserve freedom and dignity. Why are the people of the Middle East and North Africa - all too aware of the challenges they face in rising up to despots - more optimistic about their revolutions and uprisings than those outside the region - who all too often take for granted their own freedoms?”



Mother Egypt



Egypt's two vicious predators are poverty and illiteracy; with 40% living under the poverty line and another 40% for women illiteracy. Rationally, these figures cannot be reverted with a 1-year old revolution and concrete results will take years to materialize. Women development and gender equality in Egypt will not be a walk in the park especially with the rise of the almost womanless, often-bigoted Islamist-majority parliament.

I’m not sure if in my lifetime I will witness any substantial change in the status of women in the region, but I do believe that learning how to equally share roles in life is part of our healthy human evolution.

Today’s courageous opinionated female figures like Bothaina Kamel, Gamila Ismail, Dr. Heba Raouf Ezzat, Dina Abdel Rahman to name a few, have ventured to politically speak up against the criminal injustice towards the Egyptian people. And along with the thousands who took part in the recent women’s marches, they represent a shining hope for a better tomorrow. The dream of freedom and equality is not far from reality and I`m sure that the strong-willed women of Egypt will once again prove that they are proud partners in that hopeful dream.


The late George Carlin once said: “Men are from earth, women are from earth; deal with it.” Nobody has to ever win the battle of the sexes, women consist half of the world’s population and their role towards humanity is as important as ours. With all our differences and similarities there`s no doubt that we do complement each other, almost gracefully when thinking about it. Just like it’s still illegal for them to drive in some parts of the world, they are inspiring active revolutionaries who are shaping history in others. The seeds of hope planted today will be sown by tomorrow’s daughters and granddaughters and just by looking at what women have gone through and already achieved in this cruel man’s world, I offer nothing but utter and sincere respect.


Son of Eve  



“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens
can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.”
— Margaret Mead





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